Fakepolitik
Many years ago, I decided that politics were singularly silly and stupid and, as such, I would choose my political allegiances in the most silly and stupid manner possible. It's really not a bad way to go... certainly no worse than "lip-smackingly hot Sociology classmate claims Karl Marx was a genius" (Communist), "have donated to PBS, received tote bag, still feel guilty" (Democrat) or "soul-crushing terror of anal intercourse" (Republican).
My first candidate selected by the Silly 'n Stupid Method was Congressman Rob Andrews of New Jersey. I voted for Mr. Andrews during the 7th grade mock election, the highlight of which was getting to use the ancient, creaky, capable-of-transmitting-hoof-and-mouth-disease voting machines which had been hauled in for the occasion. I chose Rob because I was delighted with his firm, directive-like name. "Rob Andrews? Well, if you INSIST...". With the yank of a rusty, weevil-infested lever, I was off to the races.
Throughout the following years, I experimented with my S&S criteria, endorsing candidates on such merits as:
- Was defending own sexual proclivities on national TV on the night I Became A Woman (Bill Clinton).
- Cheesesteak-eating prowess. Former Philadelphia mayor Ed Rendell could really rip into one of those greasy suckers. His successor, John Street, always looks vaguely pissed off at his cheesesteak. Which makes no sense, as it is the only thing in his life NOT facing federal corruption charges.
- Closest possible non-fictional counterpart to Christopher Walken's character in "Pulp Fiction" (John McCain).
- Wished to impress potential boyfriends with counterculture cred, despite being from an upper-middle-class background and secretly enjoying both Billy Joel and Hot Pockets (the entire Libertarian party).
It has been an arduous (and freaking ridiculous) process, but I believe I have found the ULTIMATE Silly & Stupid political selection criterion. It is thus: does the cause in question interfere with my lunch hour? I work in the heart of Philadelphia, where political protests occur pretty often. Each time I have to fight past a pack of angry, ironically-mulleted college students in order to aquire a pint of General Tso's, their group is forever on my shit list.
Organizations who have offended me in this manner include:
- SEIU (YOU may want reasonable healthcare co-pays, but I want a McChicken!).
- PETA (startled the almighty hell out of me by using a 5,000-watt bullhorn to accuse the bank in my building's lobby of harboring "SCUMBAGS!" and "PUPPY-KILLERS!" This is one of those situations where I could really use some backstory. How are banking and puppy-killing related? When you bounce a check, do they come eviscerate your Lhasa Apso instead of just
charging you $32? That's pretty hardcore!).
- Anarchists and/or Middle Eastern extremist groups (okay, I can't prove it was you. But SOMEONE left a mysterious bag of white powder in Center City last winter, which caused all sorts of police activity, which caused my mother to panic and beg me not to go out for lunch, which caused me to have to eat a Smart One, which was awful and had ZUCCHINI BITS in it. I don't give a good goddamn WHAT Nietzsche and/or Allah said... you made me eat zucchini, and that makes you WRONG!
Next up: taking a cockatiel with me into the voting booth to peck the buttons with its cute lil' beak.
My first candidate selected by the Silly 'n Stupid Method was Congressman Rob Andrews of New Jersey. I voted for Mr. Andrews during the 7th grade mock election, the highlight of which was getting to use the ancient, creaky, capable-of-transmitting-hoof-and-mouth-disease voting machines which had been hauled in for the occasion. I chose Rob because I was delighted with his firm, directive-like name. "Rob Andrews? Well, if you INSIST...". With the yank of a rusty, weevil-infested lever, I was off to the races.
Throughout the following years, I experimented with my S&S criteria, endorsing candidates on such merits as:
- Was defending own sexual proclivities on national TV on the night I Became A Woman (Bill Clinton).
- Cheesesteak-eating prowess. Former Philadelphia mayor Ed Rendell could really rip into one of those greasy suckers. His successor, John Street, always looks vaguely pissed off at his cheesesteak. Which makes no sense, as it is the only thing in his life NOT facing federal corruption charges.
- Closest possible non-fictional counterpart to Christopher Walken's character in "Pulp Fiction" (John McCain).
- Wished to impress potential boyfriends with counterculture cred, despite being from an upper-middle-class background and secretly enjoying both Billy Joel and Hot Pockets (the entire Libertarian party).
It has been an arduous (and freaking ridiculous) process, but I believe I have found the ULTIMATE Silly & Stupid political selection criterion. It is thus: does the cause in question interfere with my lunch hour? I work in the heart of Philadelphia, where political protests occur pretty often. Each time I have to fight past a pack of angry, ironically-mulleted college students in order to aquire a pint of General Tso's, their group is forever on my shit list.
Organizations who have offended me in this manner include:
- SEIU (YOU may want reasonable healthcare co-pays, but I want a McChicken!).
- PETA (startled the almighty hell out of me by using a 5,000-watt bullhorn to accuse the bank in my building's lobby of harboring "SCUMBAGS!" and "PUPPY-KILLERS!" This is one of those situations where I could really use some backstory. How are banking and puppy-killing related? When you bounce a check, do they come eviscerate your Lhasa Apso instead of just
charging you $32? That's pretty hardcore!).
- Anarchists and/or Middle Eastern extremist groups (okay, I can't prove it was you. But SOMEONE left a mysterious bag of white powder in Center City last winter, which caused all sorts of police activity, which caused my mother to panic and beg me not to go out for lunch, which caused me to have to eat a Smart One, which was awful and had ZUCCHINI BITS in it. I don't give a good goddamn WHAT Nietzsche and/or Allah said... you made me eat zucchini, and that makes you WRONG!
Next up: taking a cockatiel with me into the voting booth to peck the buttons with its cute lil' beak.
Labels: The Compleat Thumbscrew
posted by thumbscre.ws at
12/16/2005
2 Comments:
Oh I am so jealous! I used to live and work in center city and even though I only lived there 2 years, it is still my most favorite place I ever lived. Oh I even miss those protestors and the panhandlers on every single corner!
Hee! That's awesome. I love Center City... even the filth has its charm. It must've been quite cool to have lived there... I wussed out on living downtown, and thus commute from an extremely boring suburb.
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