Medela Never Wrote Back

The LEAST those bastards could have done was sent me some free boob-cones or something.


Dear Good People of Medela,

I have been a proud user of your Pump in Style Original breast pump since my son’s birth earlier this year. For the past five months, “Pumpy” has been my constant companion, my buddy in black leatherette. It is truly the Rolls Royce of breast pumps – or perhaps, more aptly, the Honda Civic: a simple, well-designed, supremely reliable machine. Unfortunately, a dreadful event has recently befallen my pump. I need you to help rectify this situation, as it is more upsetting, disturbing, and flat-out yucky than I am able to bear.

At some unknown point, one of the containers of milk contained within my pump bag sprung a catastrophic, last-half-hour-of-“Titanic”-type leak. As I am both working and caring for a boisterous little boy, my mental state can best be described as “a few Twinkies short of a picnic”. Thusly, it was quite some time before I discovered the leak. By then, the damage had been done. And, oh, what damage it was.

My pump bag is saturated with breast milk. More specifically, sticky, smelly, rotting breast milk.

It oozes from every crevice of the bag. Prior to my discovery of the dairy disaster, several utility bills placed in the back pocket were saturated. A pair of 100% wool dress slacks was cruelly stained. A beloved Mission-style dining chair now has a Pump In Style-shaped rectangle branded on its top-grain leather seat.

Before this milky mayhem began, my pump was able to masquerade as a “laptop case”. Alas, as laptop cases don’t generally leak, stink or attract swarms of eager fruit flies, I fear its cover has been blown.

I hesitate to criticize the Pump in Style. As previously stated, it has been a true-blue breast pump. It has allowed me to both work full-time and provide my son with plenty of mom-juice, for which I’m extremely grateful. However, its inability to be cleaned following a serious milk leak is a horrendous design flaw. And, contrary to popular belief, it CANNOT be cleaned.

Immediately after discovering the leak, I whipped out a bottle of antibacterial cleaner and a roll of paper towels and got down to business. Over an hour later, I collapsed in a chair, dejected. My hands, shirt, face, kitchen counter and stovetop were all covered in goopy fermented breast milk. However, Pumpy was still as sticky, stinky and grimy as ever. In a glaring design defect, the Pump in Style’s case contains numerous nooks and crannies which simply cannot be accessed, let alone cleaned. This astounds me. I mean, it’s just common sense: things which contain milk will, from time to time, get milk on them, and therefore must be cleanable. Observe:

PLUS

EQUALS

PLUS

EQUALS

PLUS

EQUALS

PLUS

EQUALS

PLUS
ENOUGH CLEANSERS, SCOURING POWDERS, DEGREASERS, IONIZING AGENTS AND SUFACTANTS TO DEFOLIATE A SMALL SOUTH AMERICAN NATION.

EQUALS STILL FREAKING...

Get the picture? Things that hold milk should be cleanable.

I called your customer service line and was assisted by a young woman who, while friendly and sympathetic to my plight, was unable to offer any real solution. When I voiced the opinion that I couldn’t possibly be the first woman whose pump had taken an inadvertent milk bath, she concurred, and was as perplexed as me as to why Medela didn’t manufacture replacement pump bags. It seemed that, among the numerous replacement parts offered by Medela, a replacement bag would be a given. Because (lest we forget)… THINGS THAT HOLD MILK SHOULD BE CLEANABLE.

Please excuse my outburst. I’m a bit irritable lately, perhaps because I’ve spent the past few weeks lugging around the dripping, stinky albatross which is my ruined Pump in Style. I now ask – nay, beg – you to help me. Medela has helped millions of nursing mothers throughout the world, and I’m humbly requesting that you help one more. I’d like a response to the following questions:

Why can’t the Pump in Style be cleaned? After all, IT HOLDS MILK (perhaps I grow repetitive).
Given that the Pump in Style cannot be cleaned, why are no replacement bags available?
Given that the previous two items are true, and given that my Pump in Style’s bag is pretty much destroyed, what do you suggest I do? Spend $300 on an entirely new pump? Cry?

Thank you kindly for your time,
Jul
Working & Nursing Mom and Still-Proud Medela Pump User