Scattershot: Bathroom Remodel '05

Worst Song For Bathroom Remodeling:  "Piggy", Nine Inch Nails

 

1.  How ironic: despite swearing off the hooch and bulking up, Trent Reznor now seems LESS manly.  He's like a cut-rate Henry Rollins.  You expect to see Henry snapping sequoias in half using only his bulging neck muscles.  You expect to see the new, "improved" Trent hawking his own line of exercise gadgets on late-night TV.  "The Rez-o-nator!  Increase your existential despair by 280% in just FIVE MINUTES A DAY!"  That is NOT the mental image you need while tearing down drywall.

2.  While hauling a very heavy, very SHARP bag of masonry debris outside, I became deeply disgusted with the lyric "Nothing can stop me now".  Actually, a LOT of things can stop me now!

 

 - Tetanus.

 

 - Getting bonked on the head by the claw hammer I keep hanging from the doorjamb (everything I do, I imagine a crusty old construction foreman telling the new guy on the crew, "Now, don't you fuckin' EVER let me catch you doing something stupid like ____!").

 

 - A surprise visit from the Suburbiaville building inspector, demanding to know why our walls are stuffed NOT with insulation but old issues of Consumer Reports (answer: so we have reading material whenever we're brave/desperate enough to bypass the sea of rubble and use the toilet).

 

A Short Note to the Guy Who Invented the Metal Mesh/Concrete Method of Affixing Tile to Bathroom Walls:

 

Dear G.W.I.M.M/C.M.A.T.B.W,

 

YOU SUCK SO BAD!  What the HELL is your problem?!  If you couldn't come up with a better way to get tiles to stick to the wall, then you should have just SKIPPED THE GODDAMNED TILES, FUCKSTICK!

 

Sincerely,

Person Remodeling a Bathroom in Which Your Stupid-Ass Tile Adhesion Method Was Once Used

 

Drywall Dust Kills Brain Cells:

 

Me: "... and after we've cleaned up all the gravel in the vincinity- "

Sam: "Don't you mean VICINITY?"

Me:  "Oh, yeah.  I guess 'the vincinity' would be wherever Vin Diesel happens to be at the moment."