Transverse Abdominal Slice With Detail of Massive Ho-Ho Bolus
Sam and I went to go see Gunther von Hagen's "BodyWorlds" exhibit at the Franklin Institute a few weeks ago. "BodyWorlds" features artfully posed human cadavers in various states of anatomical disassembly ("just muscles", "just nerves" and the disturbingly popular "just freaky cadaverous penis"). The bodies are able to be posed (and not immediately gobbled up by ravenous bacteria) due to von Hagen's unique "plastination" process. Plastination is a hoity-toity scientific way of saying "suck out all the juice, pump in some melted skateboard wheels, place atop bicycle while still nicely squishy and pliable, rake in the cash!". Despite being expensive and sensationalistic (with exhibits stopping just short of "Sagittal Plane Displaying Large Muscle Groups While Bungee Jumping and Slamming a Red Bull"), it was still fascinating.
We had heard there would be a "So You Want to Be a Plastinate?" feature within the show, and indeed there was. Much to our disappointment, it was done in as tasteful and low-key a manner as possible. I had been sorely hoping that Dr. von Hagen himself would be there, greedily pawing the soft, supple flesh of anyone who ventured too close. Sam and I both declined to fill out one of the admittedly-amusing body donation forms. He said he didn't especially care what happened to his corpse, but being flayed and deposited atop a horse wasn't high on the list. I had always planned to donate as much of my body as possible to people in need of transplants and/or a teaching hospital. This week, however, I devised an alternate plan.
Due to the obscene quantity of free food circulating in the office, I've been eating straight-up sugar for most of my meals. Cookies, candy, cake, pastry... it all slides right down the hatch, sped along its journey by copious quantities of diet Pepsi (which, as my coworkers are stubbornly convinced, "turns into FORMALDEHYDE in your body!"). As a result, I've been feeling even more tired and sticky and decrepit than usual. It occurred to me that perhaps I'd invented a new body-preservation process: sucronization, or the replacement of all bodily fluids with corn syrup. I may be eating poorly enough to make Richard Simmons' fluffy little head explode, but I'm doing it for SCIENCE! Once I die (I'm guessing either heart disease or a malted milk ball impaction), there are a number of uses to which society could put my sweet, crystallized corpse:
- Subject of a cautionary novel for high school students (ala "Go Ask Alice", would begin with someone slipping the naive heroine a Laffy Taffy at a party and end with her servicing hobos for dime bags of high-quality "Domino White").
- Organ donor for these nice folks.
- Sliced along transverse, sagittal and frontal planes, then placed into little packets and sold for $3.99 a pop as "CANdaver: The Official Snack of BodyWorlds!"
UPDATE: After snuggling with baby this morning, decided I did NOT in fact wish to die a sugary death. Ate an orange in attempt to atone for the nutritional horrors previously unleashed upon my body. Decided that, while fruit may be "nature's candy", nature ALSO produces cacao beans and sugarcane, so what the hell? Had some of nature's fattier, more delicious candy about thirty seconds later.
We had heard there would be a "So You Want to Be a Plastinate?" feature within the show, and indeed there was. Much to our disappointment, it was done in as tasteful and low-key a manner as possible. I had been sorely hoping that Dr. von Hagen himself would be there, greedily pawing the soft, supple flesh of anyone who ventured too close. Sam and I both declined to fill out one of the admittedly-amusing body donation forms. He said he didn't especially care what happened to his corpse, but being flayed and deposited atop a horse wasn't high on the list. I had always planned to donate as much of my body as possible to people in need of transplants and/or a teaching hospital. This week, however, I devised an alternate plan.
Due to the obscene quantity of free food circulating in the office, I've been eating straight-up sugar for most of my meals. Cookies, candy, cake, pastry... it all slides right down the hatch, sped along its journey by copious quantities of diet Pepsi (which, as my coworkers are stubbornly convinced, "turns into FORMALDEHYDE in your body!"). As a result, I've been feeling even more tired and sticky and decrepit than usual. It occurred to me that perhaps I'd invented a new body-preservation process: sucronization, or the replacement of all bodily fluids with corn syrup. I may be eating poorly enough to make Richard Simmons' fluffy little head explode, but I'm doing it for SCIENCE! Once I die (I'm guessing either heart disease or a malted milk ball impaction), there are a number of uses to which society could put my sweet, crystallized corpse:
- Subject of a cautionary novel for high school students (ala "Go Ask Alice", would begin with someone slipping the naive heroine a Laffy Taffy at a party and end with her servicing hobos for dime bags of high-quality "Domino White").
- Organ donor for these nice folks.
- Sliced along transverse, sagittal and frontal planes, then placed into little packets and sold for $3.99 a pop as "CANdaver: The Official Snack of BodyWorlds!"
UPDATE: After snuggling with baby this morning, decided I did NOT in fact wish to die a sugary death. Ate an orange in attempt to atone for the nutritional horrors previously unleashed upon my body. Decided that, while fruit may be "nature's candy", nature ALSO produces cacao beans and sugarcane, so what the hell? Had some of nature's fattier, more delicious candy about thirty seconds later.
Labels: The Compleat Thumbscrew
posted by thumbscre.ws at
12/30/2005
5 Comments:
I am a recovering candy addict. At one point I calculated that I was getting the majority of my calories from candy, no lie. I couldn't cut back; I had to go cold turkey. It was like quitting cigarettes or other drugs: thought about it every ten minutes, had to go day by day, couldn't walk past where I got my fixes (usually the drugstore!), gradually thought about it less & less. Now I can handle a little now and then, but sometimes I fall off the wagon ... My name is DoctorM and I am a candyholic.
Mmmmm...candy. I flunked the one-hour GTT with my last pregnancy and had to take the three-hour one, and the wait between the two was one of the most hellish weeks of my life. I have mostly gone cold turkey but I, too, fall off the wagon occasionally. I'll start off thinking "hmm, I can have just ONE of the child's Halloween-sized packs of Skittles" and then my husband finds me passed out in the bathroom with a five-pound bag of Domino protruding from my unhinged jaw, wrapper soaked in sticky drool. Mmmm...by the way, Jul, you SLAY me. I'm so pissed there aren't months and months of archives to read. Get to work on that, would ya?
Doctormama: I am beginning to think that I am, too. Well, okay, I KNOW I am... my mother claims that, as a child, I literally began SHAKING when I glimpsed candy. This coming week, I think I may try to go cold turkey as well.
MFA Mama: Heh... I'm a one-hour flunk/three-hour pass as well. I spent the week between tests in a self-hating, sugar-deprived funk. The flying colors with which I passed the three-hour prompted my OB to comment, "What made you think it was a good idea to eat nothing but Craisins before your first test?"
Thanks! I'm glad you like the site. I was a pretty prolific writer as a young 'un, but hadn't written a damned thing the previous six years (had confidence crushed by idiotic ex-boyfriend. Now THAT would be a good post!). I had no idea there were so many hilarious, eloquent mamas out there, and have really enjoyed reading y'alls sites.
Do you have a blog email address, by the way?
Um... I think so? I've never actually tested the sucker out. I should be kicked out of the tech industry in which I work! I think it's me@thumbscre.ws. If that doesn't work, lemme know.
Verification word: "uxzli". Sounds like the Aztec god of bad Scrabble letters.
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
Create a Link
<< Home