Mother of Invention : #1
I've got a pretty long daily commute. I've also got a constant need for stimulation... maybe not the best combo. Once I've grown bored with my newspaper and snack and book and MP3 player and making my cell phone play "Don't Fear the Reaper", I often invent things in my head. Here are a few recent ideas:
1. A portable spigot which I can affix to the bottom of the silo at the apple cider factory down the road in order to get a nice, cold slug of juice whenever I'd like.
Pro: All the apple cider I want! After thorough dishwashing, could also affix spigot to milk silo at local dairy, bust out a wheelbarrow of cookies and have the most wholesome keg party EVER.
Con: My husband claims that, A) the silo is either decorative or full of water, and B) I'm an idiot. He may be right, considering that I recently spent half an hour pondering the question "If the Johnny Five robot from 'Short Circuit' were in an L.A. street gang, would he be a Blood or a Crip?" (Answer: a Crip. Well, DUH!)
Con: Spigot malfunction might lead to inadvertent consumption of 50,000 gallons of apple cider.
Pro: That sounds like exactly the kind of freak industrial accident pivotal to the creation of many superheroes!
Con: Do I really want to be the Cider Cyclone, capable of temporarily stunning my enemies with a powerful blast of sweet-tart goodness? "Say YOUR PRAYERS, little missy, because I'm going to - ZAPPPP! - Mmmn, that IS refreshing! Huh... where were we?")
2. A hot water bottle shaped and weighted exactly like my hand for those nights when J.Q. refuses to drop off to sleep without 45 minutes of parental back-patting. I'd probably call this one the Neglecto-Matic Parental Comfort Simulator.
Pro: Extra free time means extra "Lost", aka "Calvin Klein Underwear Model Reject Island". There are some who claim the show will end with everyone being rescued, or the revelation that "it was all just a dream". Me? I think that, after enduring months of sexual tension dense enough to be cut with a tungsten-carbide drill bit, the survivors will descend into a frenzy of raw, no-holds-barred carnality. The island will be discovered two months later by a bass-fishing expedition, but the silk scarf-clad corpses and unusually skittish local fauna will forever remain a mystery.
Con: if the offspring of B.F. Skinner and Joan Crawford had a child, this is EXACTLY the kind of horrific parenting idea it'd come up with.
3. The world's first all-substance, no-style automobile. It would be incredibly reliable, yet stark and horrendously unattractive. It would run for 500,000 problem-free miles, yet look like a miniature Pinzgauer and have a plywood bench instead of a seat. I intended to call it the "Churro" (a bastardized amalgam of "cheap" and "reliable") until I realized that people might confuse it with the tasty Mexican pastry, which doesn't have substance OR style... just cinnamon-sugar.
Pro: I'm somewhat obsessed with reliability. I'm pretty sure that if Consumer Reports endorsed, say, a particular brand of hot dog as being the most reliable, I'd rush out to buy it. "We have to go to Genuardi's RIGHT AWAY! Can't have our weiners falling apart on us!" For someone like me, this vehicle would be a dream come true.
Con: Thankfully, I don't think there are a whole hell of a lot of people like me.
1. A portable spigot which I can affix to the bottom of the silo at the apple cider factory down the road in order to get a nice, cold slug of juice whenever I'd like.
Pro: All the apple cider I want! After thorough dishwashing, could also affix spigot to milk silo at local dairy, bust out a wheelbarrow of cookies and have the most wholesome keg party EVER.
Con: My husband claims that, A) the silo is either decorative or full of water, and B) I'm an idiot. He may be right, considering that I recently spent half an hour pondering the question "If the Johnny Five robot from 'Short Circuit' were in an L.A. street gang, would he be a Blood or a Crip?" (Answer: a Crip. Well, DUH!)
Con: Spigot malfunction might lead to inadvertent consumption of 50,000 gallons of apple cider.
Pro: That sounds like exactly the kind of freak industrial accident pivotal to the creation of many superheroes!
Con: Do I really want to be the Cider Cyclone, capable of temporarily stunning my enemies with a powerful blast of sweet-tart goodness? "Say YOUR PRAYERS, little missy, because I'm going to - ZAPPPP! - Mmmn, that IS refreshing! Huh... where were we?")
2. A hot water bottle shaped and weighted exactly like my hand for those nights when J.Q. refuses to drop off to sleep without 45 minutes of parental back-patting. I'd probably call this one the Neglecto-Matic Parental Comfort Simulator.
Pro: Extra free time means extra "Lost", aka "Calvin Klein Underwear Model Reject Island". There are some who claim the show will end with everyone being rescued, or the revelation that "it was all just a dream". Me? I think that, after enduring months of sexual tension dense enough to be cut with a tungsten-carbide drill bit, the survivors will descend into a frenzy of raw, no-holds-barred carnality. The island will be discovered two months later by a bass-fishing expedition, but the silk scarf-clad corpses and unusually skittish local fauna will forever remain a mystery.
Con: if the offspring of B.F. Skinner and Joan Crawford had a child, this is EXACTLY the kind of horrific parenting idea it'd come up with.
3. The world's first all-substance, no-style automobile. It would be incredibly reliable, yet stark and horrendously unattractive. It would run for 500,000 problem-free miles, yet look like a miniature Pinzgauer and have a plywood bench instead of a seat. I intended to call it the "Churro" (a bastardized amalgam of "cheap" and "reliable") until I realized that people might confuse it with the tasty Mexican pastry, which doesn't have substance OR style... just cinnamon-sugar.
Pro: I'm somewhat obsessed with reliability. I'm pretty sure that if Consumer Reports endorsed, say, a particular brand of hot dog as being the most reliable, I'd rush out to buy it. "We have to go to Genuardi's RIGHT AWAY! Can't have our weiners falling apart on us!" For someone like me, this vehicle would be a dream come true.
Con: Thankfully, I don't think there are a whole hell of a lot of people like me.
Labels: J.Q. the Sna-que, The Compleat Thumbscrew
posted by thumbscre.ws at
1/10/2006
4 Comments:
Oh my god. Will you marry me? I'd turn lezzie for you in a heartbeat. You. Are. So. Fucking. Funny.
Your inventions are so much better than mine. I did invent hotels, however--after rather too many drinks--at a hotel bar, no less--I mused aloud how wonderful it would be if there were a place you could pay to stay the night, rather than having to take the train home. I thought someone could make a fair bit of money on that idea. Ah well--behind the times as usual.
By the way, I adore your blog.
just dropped in by way of julia. you should read "extremely loud & incredibly close". the kid is constantly coming up with great inventions and your post reminded me of it.
it start with: What about a teakettle? What if the spout opened and closed when the steam came out, so it would become a mouth, and it could whistle pretty melodies, or do Shakespeare, or just carck up with me?
Believe it or not, I've actually seen invention #2. Not a hot-water bottle, but some sort of cloth plush thing. It claimed to be weighted correctly, and was designed for exactly the purpose you have in mind. I'm not making this up -- I'll see if I can remember what it was called....
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