Thumbscrews Research Labs Presents... Project T.A.M.P.
As previously discussed, I am insanely loyal to O.B. tampons. I've been employing these wonderful little wads of obstetrician-engineered excellence since the day after I Became a Woman, an event which occurred during "Headbanger's Ball". I missed a much-anticipated video while awkwardly inserting my inaugural Tampax (filched from my mother's stash); perhaps that's why I developed such a powerful disdain for the company's product (I've never been able to look at Matt Pinfield the same way again, either). However, I prefer to believe that day marked not only my entry into the Sorority of the Shedding Endometrium (fight song: "Don't mess with us, Kappa Kappa Psi, or we'll fling a clot into your eye! Don't give us crap, Delta Lambda Mu, just a heating pad and some Breyer's too!") but, while standing in the Feminine Protection aisle of Rite-Aid, the first test of my skills as a discerning consumer.
Did I pass? I'd like to think so. I recently realized, though, that neither that gawky, crampy thirteen year-old nor the adult iteration thereof had any logical basis for declaring O.B. the ultimate tampon (or "Champon", in the words of my O.B.-loving sister). Sure, they FELT better and more substantial than the competition, but I was unwilling to rely on subjective evidence alone. After all, plenty of people bought the Pontiac Aztek, despite the fact that it looks like what would happen if an armored car made sweet, sweet love to one of those "extreme" tents which cost $700 and can withstand rain, snow, sleet, hail, "no-see-ums" (Ed. Note: then HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY ARE? Perhaps they should be called "no-exist-ums", bug-namer-guys!) and a nuclear holocaust (with purchase of optional Nuclear Holocaust Fly, +$80).
Ahem. Back to the subject at hand (well, at OTHER PART, but I don't wanna blow my vulgarity wad too early. Oops!). I decided to conduct a series of rigorous, science-style tests to objectively determine the excellence (or suckitude) of my preferred 'pon.
And thus was born the Tampon Adequacy Measurement Project (T.A.M.P). O.B. "Champon" Super went head-to-head against Playtex "The Leading Brand" Super for five rounds of grueling competition. Which tampon reigned supreme? Click here to find out.
Did I pass? I'd like to think so. I recently realized, though, that neither that gawky, crampy thirteen year-old nor the adult iteration thereof had any logical basis for declaring O.B. the ultimate tampon (or "Champon", in the words of my O.B.-loving sister). Sure, they FELT better and more substantial than the competition, but I was unwilling to rely on subjective evidence alone. After all, plenty of people bought the Pontiac Aztek, despite the fact that it looks like what would happen if an armored car made sweet, sweet love to one of those "extreme" tents which cost $700 and can withstand rain, snow, sleet, hail, "no-see-ums" (Ed. Note: then HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY ARE? Perhaps they should be called "no-exist-ums", bug-namer-guys!) and a nuclear holocaust (with purchase of optional Nuclear Holocaust Fly, +$80).
Ahem. Back to the subject at hand (well, at OTHER PART, but I don't wanna blow my vulgarity wad too early. Oops!). I decided to conduct a series of rigorous, science-style tests to objectively determine the excellence (or suckitude) of my preferred 'pon.
And thus was born the Tampon Adequacy Measurement Project (T.A.M.P). O.B. "Champon" Super went head-to-head against Playtex "The Leading Brand" Super for five rounds of grueling competition. Which tampon reigned supreme? Click here to find out.
Labels: Best Of, The Compleat Thumbscrew
posted by thumbscre.ws at
4/28/2006
27 Comments:
Will you please come to my house?? A fun night for me involves red wine and watching the cats fight. YOU? Know how to party.
LOL. How do you have time to do this with a one-year-old on your hands? Thanks for the laughs. I'm going to start sending the TAMP link to my girlfriends. :)
You have got to start charging an entry fee for this stuff.
I do want to note that for some of us, the OB's extreme sturdiness is actually a drawback. We "tricklers" find them to have a tad too much friction on insertion and removal.
Oh my god I just about peed my pants (AND nearly lost my non-ob tampon in the process).
LOVED IT
Wow, I think I love you.
I totally agree that O.B. is the superior tampon. They're way way cheaper than other brands and you can carry like 10 of them in your pocket. Wow. WOW!
Well, we didn't have OBs back in the sixties, but we found Tampax to be emminently suitable for not only the monthly moppage but also for other projects as well! Tampax made great little paint sponges for tie-dying our t-shirts; dampened slightly, you couldn't find a better vinyl record cleaner; many was the time our Tampax saved our ears at overly-amplified rock concerts; and nothing could beat those cuddly little cotton wads for stuffing in the barrels of the National Guardsmen's rifles at our peace rallies! We heavy bleeders eventually rejected OB anyway, since Tampax's cardboard applicator guaranteed we would not frighten other women by bursting out of the stalls of public restrooms and charging toward the sinks with blood dripping off our arms up to the elbows.
Fucking brilliant!!
Yes, you should charge an entry fee. Even I, the brokest blogger on the internets, would pay money for this.
Excellent, excellent work, Doctor. I may even have to switch to the Chamopn of feminine products.
Hey, what about for those of us who prefer pads? I am looking forward to your testing for those. Will bananas be involved again?
Was there alcohol involved in this project? I could practically feel the giggly, vodka-laced (or perhaps it was whiskey?) vibes coming off of this experiment. However, consider me a convert. I mean, how could I in good conscience ever buy any of those other brands given the incontrovertible evidence presented herein? You rock!
I think we need to send this to the nation's middle schools! Let's show those kids how science is relevant to daily life!
More reasons why OB is better: less wrapping materials to fill up landfills. Takes less space to store. Shorter and therefore stay in place better-- this will sound weird, but those Tampax tend to slide out disconcertingly on me, at least since having two babies, if they're not positioned just right to start.
You mentioned these wonderful little wads of cotton in another post and I was thrilled that someone else thinks that O.B. is the simply the superior product. I find myself feeling a little sad when forced to use anything else, and a little scared that I'm going to end up leaving the office with a sweater tied around my waist. Finally, undeniable proof! Thanks as always for being so illuminating.
And Priscilla should note that for us heavy bleeders (sometimes I'm confounded by the idea that I can loose that much blood and still remain conscious)O.B. does come with an applicator now.
As a fortysomething gal, I have to use whatever won't fall out.
Playtex is the only one that fits THAT category. A pity, since in my younger years OB was definitely the superior product.
I've never been so glad to have switched to The Keeper in my life.
G-d, you're hilarious.
I have no words. I bow to you.
You, ummm, scare me, ummm, a little....
just wanted to say 'thanks'. Thanks a LOT.
All I dreamt of last night was tampons.
I've had better dreams.
Good Lord, you're funny! Thanks for sharing.
As an OB-lover, I have to say, I was laughing so hard I was crying.
Funny, funny stuff.
I have never used OB before, as a girl in my 5th grade class once told me that her OB-using cousin had forever lost a tampon deep, deep within her Lady Parts because of the lack of applicator. In retrospect, I believe she may not have been telling the whole truth, and I plan to try this "OB" you speak of next month. You can't argue with science, after all.
Also? I had "Don't mess with us, Kappa Kappa Psi, or we'll fling a clot into your eye! (etc.)" marching through my head all last weekend. Thanks for the lovely image!
Hee hee hee! Project TAMP is hilarious! Although I have to agree with doctormama that those of us whose Triangles of Love are arid upon tampon removal don't fare well with non-applicator OBs... I've actually shrieked in pain trying to get one in there. The resulting situation is usually one wherein I'm stuck on the toilet, due somewhere five minutes ago, and covered in dried blood and sweat and tears, waiting for enough blood. Ew.
I guess since the applicator OBs have made their triumphant debut, they're worth another try. Although, doesn't the applicator kind of defeat the purpose of an OB? Like Lucky Strikes with filters? I need a Thumbscrews Reasearch Labs official response on this one.
By the way, do you understand that I exist? That my name is a link to a blog? That... maybe... JUST MAYBE... you sister would like a link?!? Just like THE LINK SHE GAVE YOUR UNGRATEFUL ASS?!? Just like the one your other sister is blessed with? Or maybe some comments... once in a while....... HUH?!?
Soooooo... ya like linkin' one sister and not the other, DO YA?!?
Holy Mary Mother of G-d, that was so funny. I have not laughed so hard on the internet since I read that story about the girl glueing her a$$hole shut with hot wax that she was trying to give herself a brazilian with. The tears won't stop.
This is BRILLIANT.
Dear lord, that was funny. I'm going to come back and read your archives as soon as I get a chance. Why exactly did it take me so long to find you???
Thank you, Thank You, THank YOU! Fucking hilarious and scientific to boot.
OB rocks the house, once again!
But what about Kotex?
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