How to Replicate Nursing a Thirteen Month-Old Baby
Note: Part II of Project Nutra-Log has been briefly delayed due to lack of free time and our Head Researcher's dismally poor math skills (midway through calculating various nutritional information, we were briefly convinced that yams were a freakish super-tuber endowed with deity-like powers [not to mention an affinity for mini-marshmallows]; turns out we'd multiplied rather than divided its stats. Nice try, yam!).
1. Why replicate? J.Q. would be abundantly happy to crawl over to your house and deliver the real deal! What's that, you say? "Alas, my breasts are not lactating, merely firm, perky and able to be contained by a bra which doesn't resemble a restraining device for a 400-lb. mental patient?" Or perhaps, "No thanks, I'm really trying to cut back on the number of strange men coming over my house and mouthing my boobs."
2. Okay then, be that way.
3. Purchase a mango, a papaya and one of those cute lil' rainforest monkeys which are always appearing on the cover of National Geographic under a headline like "CHIMPS IN CRISIS" (see also: "LORIKEETS IN LIMBO", "SPRINGBOKS IN STAGNATION").
4. Attempt to strap your newly-acquired monkey into a car seat before heading home. The biting, clawing, feces-flinging, etc. will add to the authenticity of the experience.
5. After such a big adventure, your monkey could probably use a snack. He also needs to bond with his new upright-walking overlord. Why not combine the two activities? Remove your shirt and lie down on the floor. Place a papaya on one breast, a mango on the other and let the fun begin!
6. Grow slightly annoyed as your torso is repeatedly pummeled by twenty-some pounds of frantic simian. First mango, then papaya. Mango, papaya. Mango, papaya. PICK A FREAKING FRUIT AND STICK WITH IT, WHY DON'T YOU?
7. Feel your annoyance wane as the monkey curls up on your chest and gazes into your eyes adoringly. This would be such a sweet moment... if only he weren't simultaneously kicking you in the groin and methodically poking papaya seeds up your nose with his razor-sharp little claws.
8. Attempt to trim claws and/or apply socks to monkey without disrupting monkey's blissful snuffling and flailing.
9. Ooops... that wasn't a good idea, now was it?
10. Cover uninjured eye with hand. Daydream about windsurfing in Hawaii with Josh Holloway while monkey spends next forty-five minutes happily grunting and licking subatomic particles of fruit off of your chest.
1. Why replicate? J.Q. would be abundantly happy to crawl over to your house and deliver the real deal! What's that, you say? "Alas, my breasts are not lactating, merely firm, perky and able to be contained by a bra which doesn't resemble a restraining device for a 400-lb. mental patient?" Or perhaps, "No thanks, I'm really trying to cut back on the number of strange men coming over my house and mouthing my boobs."
2. Okay then, be that way.
3. Purchase a mango, a papaya and one of those cute lil' rainforest monkeys which are always appearing on the cover of National Geographic under a headline like "CHIMPS IN CRISIS" (see also: "LORIKEETS IN LIMBO", "SPRINGBOKS IN STAGNATION").
4. Attempt to strap your newly-acquired monkey into a car seat before heading home. The biting, clawing, feces-flinging, etc. will add to the authenticity of the experience.
5. After such a big adventure, your monkey could probably use a snack. He also needs to bond with his new upright-walking overlord. Why not combine the two activities? Remove your shirt and lie down on the floor. Place a papaya on one breast, a mango on the other and let the fun begin!
6. Grow slightly annoyed as your torso is repeatedly pummeled by twenty-some pounds of frantic simian. First mango, then papaya. Mango, papaya. Mango, papaya. PICK A FREAKING FRUIT AND STICK WITH IT, WHY DON'T YOU?
7. Feel your annoyance wane as the monkey curls up on your chest and gazes into your eyes adoringly. This would be such a sweet moment... if only he weren't simultaneously kicking you in the groin and methodically poking papaya seeds up your nose with his razor-sharp little claws.
8. Attempt to trim claws and/or apply socks to monkey without disrupting monkey's blissful snuffling and flailing.
9. Ooops... that wasn't a good idea, now was it?
10. Cover uninjured eye with hand. Daydream about windsurfing in Hawaii with Josh Holloway while monkey spends next forty-five minutes happily grunting and licking subatomic particles of fruit off of your chest.
Labels: J.Q. the Sna-que, The Compleat Thumbscrew
posted by thumbscre.ws at
5/26/2006
22 Comments:
It's official: you are the funniest person alive and your son (my nephew, I'm proud to add) is the cutest boy ever. Ever.
!!!I LOVE YOU JQ!!!
AHAAAA!! God how those pictures make me miss nursing my girl. Seriously, they do. And how accurately you portray the toddler's affinity for switching back and forth from tit to tit at the speed of light, snortpee.
I gotta hand it to you, Girl... you got COJONES! Or...um...DANGER BOOBS! I dunno...but I haven't felt so proud of another woman since Kathy Bates dropped her robe and plopped herself into the hot tub with Jack! SALUTE! And keep nourishing that little monkey for as long as you wish!
And once he's walking, you can look forward to this.
I just spent the last fifteen minutes or so laughing out loud almost nonstop. Thanks! I'm currently nursing my 6 month old daughter and it looks like I have a lot of fun ahead. :)
Oh geez. I used to lie on the floor just like that and watch TV while Number One Son nursed for, literally, as long as I'd let him. I think he'd still be at it (he's 3 1/2) except that I got pregnant and by the time I was five months along I couldn't stand the nursing any longer--I was too flipping tired.
Number Two Son, to my great disappointment, bagged the boob at barely ten months. Just, PFFFFT. I offered a boob one night and he stuck his thumb in his mouth and rested his head on the proffered breast as though it were a pillow. And that was that.
Perhaps I will go purchase a monkey now.
I weaned P at 18 months and well remember all the fun of which you speak. I read somewhere of the "elasti-boob" and that's certainly what I had going. I could be sitting in a chair facing the TV and P could be nursing while ALSO WATCHING TV. I had no idea parts of my body that used to be so firm would eventually contort in such a way.
mango! papaya! mango! papaya! True that. Glad it's not just me...
I have a 16-month old son and he does none of these fun things. He just works diligently at one boob in a totally normal position and then quietly lets me know he would like the other. Also in a normal position. Doesn't he realize the fun he could be having?
I think Doctormama almost made me lose my shit with that picture though.
hahaha- if your day job doesn't involve you getting paid to write, it sure should.
love the picture DrMama!
Hee hee... glad I'm not the only one whose child treats their chest like it's freaking Six Flags Over Jahoobyville.
Awww, Bihari, #2's method of weaning is simultaneously adorable and heartbreaking. J.Q. started refusing to nurse at about the same age, but (thankfully? Unfortunately? I don't know...) I was going through some rough emotional crap at the time and encouraged him perhaps a LEEETLE harder than neccessary to continue; after two weeks of refusal, he got back on the stick (so to speak) with a vengeance.
DoctorMama: that picture is AWESOME! I'm imagining HellBoy strolling over and nonchalantly popping his head under the sweater, like a respectable gentleman nipping into the pub for a pint.
Heather: wow. Not even any nose-grabbing or amateur dental exams? No eyeball-poking?! Or J.Q.'s latest... contorting so that his entire body is resting ON MY FACE. I'm like, "Dude, wouldn't smothering me be like killing the goose that laid the golden egg?... not to mix species here."
Ethanbsmommy: alas, no... I'm a certified Tech Support Drone. Were I able to write for a living, I believe I would explode with joy. As is, I've been wondering if men's magazines still accept genre fiction. I'm not above writing "As I Lay Dyanne" or "War and Piece... Of Ass!" for $150 and a shot at infamy.
You mean it doesn't get better?? After a lifetime of being a one-boob baby, my 10 month old recently graduated to this type of behavior.
I'm not sure if I'm glad to hear it's not aberrant, or sad to hear it won't stop.
Doctor Mama's picture had me in hysterics! Also, I'm cheered that someone else nursed lying on the floor, as I did with my girls before they quit the boob cold turkey at 20 months. Though it was probably best for all concerned, I sometimes miss it. Sometimes.
Oh man. That's how we roll.
Also? I find lying on the floor with my shirt hiked up to my armpits to be a very effective yet low-effort parenting technique.
Seriously.
okay okay okay i'm delurking because i'm afraid--because i have connected with a great deal of what and how you have said it being from the same little generation i will now ask you to explain what i cannot explain for myself! i have researched la leche, i have researched random sites, i have talked to mothers...and i KNEW you still breastfed J.Q. but the pictures have scared the living crap out of me--I do no understand the breastfeeding over 6 months or okay fine a year at tops (damn pediatricians) but i'm already thinking breast pump from the second any baby of mine is born! please don't just tell me that i will understand when i have a baby etc...it really scares me TO DEATH...hold on i'm repeating myself so i'm merely rambling...i really am honestly asking--i await any answer with baited breath
frightened: I wish there was anything I could say which could make you reevaluate your position, but there probably isn't. I feel exactly the opposite when thinking about nursing a baby... how nice it feels to have their warm little body snuggled up against you, how funny it is when they lunge forward and latch on like a hungry longshoreman, the love-filled, moony-eyed staring, the satisfied little gulping noises. The entire thing is one of the sweetest and most natural things you'll ever experience. The ability to instantly soothe your kiddo via whipping out a boob is also something of a "Make Parenting Magically Easier Switch", to look at things from a bluntly practical side. The primary reasons I can imagine for being scared/disgusted by breastfeeding are, 1. The rampant sexualization of womens' breasts and bodies, or 2. Conversely, the relative lack of casual, non-sexual physical touch present in our society making people deeply unnerved and suspicious of "sharing" their bodies with anyone else in a non-sexual situation. I'd imagine either perception would need a lot more than a brief blog response if it were to be altered in any way.
no actually you are right and you did help--i'm not a big toucher now that i think of it and the reason for that is--let us call them "unfortunate childhood events". because of this it is child as sex object that scares me to death and i just can't go there and as you have told me formula is okay! i may be sounding flip but i'm really serious and thanks--and i am in no way saying that s.o. business about J.Q. !
You are so ON about the whole thing. Hilarious!
And to fightened: I was horrified the first time I went to LLL with my 2 mo dd and saw someone nursing a 15 mo for the first time. It was just something I had never seen before and I wasn't sure if I really believed it was "okay". It's one thing to read about it, but seeing it at first was a shock. I'm currently on my 2nd 2+ year nursing stint with my ds. I nursed dd for 27 months. All I can say is that, for us, it just happened. IME, there seems to be a shift in many women's perceptions about their bodies, it's purpose and her ownership of it when they become pg and as their realtionship with their baby grows. Trust me, there's nothing LESS sexual than nursing a baby. lol But I'm far less picky about my personal space than I used to be (as my ds sits on my lap, mindlessly untying the drawstring on my pants) and it seems to come with the territory. Besides there's no law that you HAVE to nurse beyond 6 or 12 months. Please don't let the thought scare you away from doing it at all. It's a GREAT thing to do for a baby/child whether it's for 4 months or 4 years. And when it stops feeling "okay" to you, then you can stop doing it. Hope I'm not being preachy or anything. Just wanted to let you know that even avid bf'ers may have once felt some of the things you're feeling.
no it's awesome you are SO not preachy--that's mostly what i got when i asked other people they acted like i said i was planning to eat the baby and was asking for recipes not for help about weird feelings regarding breastfeeding--you guys are really great--to be honest the la leche people scared the bejesus out of me and nobody else has ever admitted it bothered them too until they were in the situation :)
Wow, the above pics are exactly what my life is like right now with my 11 mo daughter! I just called my LLL leader to ask...is this normal?? She basically told me to deal with it! My gal likes to nurse every hour when I am around and so the lying on the floor is the easiest thing for me...that or I sit on our mattress and she stands on the floor. I will think now...mango/papaya/mango/papaya...as she goes back and forth! Thanks for a huge laugh and for making me not feel like I am alone in this!
I'm still going back and reading this post because it makes me laugh so hard! It inspired me to post about nursing my contortionist in my own blog and take some pictures, too, for posterity. Thanks. You nailed it!
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