Thumbscrews Research Labs Presents... Project Nutra-Log, Part I
Special Pre-Feature Bonus - Thumbscrews Research Labs' Dubious Child-Rearing Tip of the Week: Beef jerky is a nice diversion for a teething baby. The infant in question needs to be obedient enough to spit out any accidentally-dislodged fragments, however. I've managed to convince J.Q. that jerky is essentially a savory variant on chewing gum; he'll tear enthusiastically at a slab like a small, pink, clawless jaguar, then dutifully eject his tongue whenever a shred wiggles its way loose from the main beef-wad (as Alpha-Female, I have the honor of removing and eating it). It's only a matter of time before he begins using his Favorite Object in the World, the remote control, to view NASCAR rallies and "Bass-Tastic: Donnie 'n Boomer's Ten-Hour Fly-Fishing Extravaganza".
Note: Slim Jims and other semi-pliable jerky variants are inappropriate for infants; they're too likely to be ingested (and wouldn't THAT be awkward to explain to the paramedics?). You want the toughest, hardest jerky you can find; that packet of "D.B. McBeefypants' Teriyaki-Style Cow Fragments" which has been sitting in your local 7-11 for about as long as the issue of "Swank" featuring Gennifer Flowers would be a good choice.
On to the main event!
Lunch: it's the distant relative's funeral of meals. It's inconvenient, costly, annoying, yet ultimately unavoidable. The midday meal may even be more tragic: while most of us are only called upon to whip up feigned tears and marshmallow-intensive sympathy desserts every few years, lunch must be eaten on a daily basis. Those of us at the Lab have evaluated many lunch products throughout the years; as you will see, all were found to be lacking:
TV Dinner
Pros: Cheap (especially reduced-for-quick sale flavors such as Sweet 'n Sour Smelts or Organic Hearty Ruta-Bulgur Bake).
Cons: Not exactly a flavor adventure (or even a flavor trip-to-the-patio-furniture-outlet); potential for catastrophe inherent in preparation.
Homemade Sandwich
Pros: cheap; healthier than many alternatives; made with love, which is not presently available in any individual squeezy-packet form.
Cons: that turkey on cracked-flax which looked so appealing at 8:00 AM will, come noon, fill you with more than just wholesome goodness; namely, an overwhelming desire to run down the street to Hoagie Hovel and consume an entire mortadella sword-swallower style.
Gourmet-Type Sandwich
Pros: flavored mayonnaise a non-threatening way for suburbanites to engage in a little gastronomic adventure; when informed by coworker that you have some spinach stuck to your teeth, you can huff, "It is ACTUALLY a fragment of fresh baby arugula, commoner!"
Cons: While unquestionably tasty, havarti not worth $3.75 per square inch; flavored mayonnaise suspected of being a "gateway" condiment (first you're licking chipotle-thyme spread off of rustic ciabatta... next thing you know, you're slurping the brain directly out of some poor chimpanzee's skull and washing it down with a hallucinogenic beverage fermented from bat droppings [try new GuanoBrau Lite: great taste, less gnat exoskeleton!]).
There are, of course, other options... stromboli the size and density of life preservers, lunch-cart General Tso's, which has the added benefit of being both a foodstuff and an exciting game ("Was That a Pepper or a Roach Carcass?"). However, no matter how sumptuously greasy the egg roll or provolone-packed the sub, lunch is still a Meal of Obligation. Moms pack lunch, businesspeople "do" lunch, teenaged fast-food employees count the minutes until lunch (also known as "Blunt O'Clock") but very few people look forward to actually EATING lunch.
This, my friends, is a PROBLEM, and one which we at the Lab don't take kindly to. To paraphrase the poet, we've got ninety-nine problems but a PB&J ain't one.
Is there a solution? Does it involve tossing inappropriate objects in the Cuisinart? Will we use the phrase "full of bio... nutra... flavones and shit"? You'll just have to wait for Part II to find out!
Note: Slim Jims and other semi-pliable jerky variants are inappropriate for infants; they're too likely to be ingested (and wouldn't THAT be awkward to explain to the paramedics?). You want the toughest, hardest jerky you can find; that packet of "D.B. McBeefypants' Teriyaki-Style Cow Fragments" which has been sitting in your local 7-11 for about as long as the issue of "Swank" featuring Gennifer Flowers would be a good choice.
On to the main event!
Lunch: it's the distant relative's funeral of meals. It's inconvenient, costly, annoying, yet ultimately unavoidable. The midday meal may even be more tragic: while most of us are only called upon to whip up feigned tears and marshmallow-intensive sympathy desserts every few years, lunch must be eaten on a daily basis. Those of us at the Lab have evaluated many lunch products throughout the years; as you will see, all were found to be lacking:
TV Dinner
Pros: Cheap (especially reduced-for-quick sale flavors such as Sweet 'n Sour Smelts or Organic Hearty Ruta-Bulgur Bake).
Cons: Not exactly a flavor adventure (or even a flavor trip-to-the-patio-furniture-outlet); potential for catastrophe inherent in preparation.
Homemade Sandwich
Pros: cheap; healthier than many alternatives; made with love, which is not presently available in any individual squeezy-packet form.
Cons: that turkey on cracked-flax which looked so appealing at 8:00 AM will, come noon, fill you with more than just wholesome goodness; namely, an overwhelming desire to run down the street to Hoagie Hovel and consume an entire mortadella sword-swallower style.
Gourmet-Type Sandwich
Pros: flavored mayonnaise a non-threatening way for suburbanites to engage in a little gastronomic adventure; when informed by coworker that you have some spinach stuck to your teeth, you can huff, "It is ACTUALLY a fragment of fresh baby arugula, commoner!"
Cons: While unquestionably tasty, havarti not worth $3.75 per square inch; flavored mayonnaise suspected of being a "gateway" condiment (first you're licking chipotle-thyme spread off of rustic ciabatta... next thing you know, you're slurping the brain directly out of some poor chimpanzee's skull and washing it down with a hallucinogenic beverage fermented from bat droppings [try new GuanoBrau Lite: great taste, less gnat exoskeleton!]).
There are, of course, other options... stromboli the size and density of life preservers, lunch-cart General Tso's, which has the added benefit of being both a foodstuff and an exciting game ("Was That a Pepper or a Roach Carcass?"). However, no matter how sumptuously greasy the egg roll or provolone-packed the sub, lunch is still a Meal of Obligation. Moms pack lunch, businesspeople "do" lunch, teenaged fast-food employees count the minutes until lunch (also known as "Blunt O'Clock") but very few people look forward to actually EATING lunch.
This, my friends, is a PROBLEM, and one which we at the Lab don't take kindly to. To paraphrase the poet, we've got ninety-nine problems but a PB&J ain't one.
Is there a solution? Does it involve tossing inappropriate objects in the Cuisinart? Will we use the phrase "full of bio... nutra... flavones and shit"? You'll just have to wait for Part II to find out!
Labels: The Compleat Thumbscrew
posted by thumbscre.ws at
5/20/2006
10 Comments:
"Blunt O'Clock" I Love It!
Hee hee! I can never stick to packing lunches when there's fast-food and other, much tastier restaurant options within driving/walking distance. I always wind up chucking the Brown Paper Bag of Dissappointment in the trash and running to Wawa to purchase a Mega Hoagie with extra Fat. Just looking at a nice, healthy cold chicken and lite mayo sandwich on wheat bread when other people at work are consuming french fries makes me well up with tears of jealosy.
Ohhh how I envy the lunch options of those who work outside the home.
I usually have the crusts from two PBJ or grilled cheese sandwiches, the apple clinging to the core after slicing it from every angle, and a Diet Coke.
Mmm...
Yours don't like Diet Coke? JQ sure does! And Jul, let's remember the Flaming Hot-Pocket Incident. I think you've become unfairly biased against lunch.
Where I work, IT'S ALWAYS LUNCH! And sometimes breakfast, and snack time. Of course, the lunch solution is to work at a donut shop.
Junket... Brown Paper Bag of Disappointment? Love it! A distant relative of the Brown Paper Bags of Shame.
Could you use those beef-jerky-like tongues of leather that they sell at the pet stores for dogs? Even labrador retrievers seem to have trouble biting bits off of those.
Our daycare has a kitchen, so we don't have to send a lunch with the kid every day. We toured the place when I was five months pregnant, and when I heard that, I said, "this is The One."
See, lunch is one of those things ya gotta sneak up on. Any traditional, carb-laden noon-day repast is gonna leave you slumped in your desk chair, paralyzed, for two hours after - mouth open, tongue lolling out to one side and a slow, steady pat..pat..pat sound as drops of saliva hit the plastic mat under your chair.
So, forget the hoagie or hot dog (one's never enough, anyway), pint of Chinese mystery stuff or "healthy" salad containing enough lunchmeat and greasy dressing to make your gall bladder go "BAM!" right in front of everyone at the office. It's a terrible thing to be carted out of the office on a stretcher while your co-workers struggle to suppress their laughter, isn't it?
If you want to fly through the afternoon hours with a grin on your face and lightening shooting out of your ass, forget lunch and have a series of low-carb, high protein, high fiber snacks from 11:00am to 4:00pm. Whole grains, cottage cheese, fruit - throw a starving wolf's worth of it in an insulated lunch bag each morning and graze on it throughout the day.
HEY! You in the kitchen! Get away from that Klondike Bar or I'll scrape your goddamn face off with a grapefruit spoon!
Sorry...gotta run...emergency... !
Delurking here. I am surprised that you know "Swank" (Slightly embarrassed that I do, thanks to my hubby!). However, now that I think of it, you might have just done a search for Gennifer Flowers and found that out? Now I am really embarrassed.
The second thing is....there should be NO REFERENCE to that woman Flowers, ever again. I have always thought that I was special. ALWAYS. I thought I had the most unique name ever. Gennifer. Who else is going to endure the constant misspelling and/or mispronunciation? I AM THE ONLY ONE. Then one day, while walking into the grocery store (prior to me paying any attention whatsoever to politics) I see MY NAME on a crude bumper sticker. I was mortified. It was horrible.
Please, I like reading your entries, they remind me of me, minus the overcooked beef-gnawing-spittle-flowing child spitting food in my hand. Please refrain, I beg you.
How do you solve a problem like lunch, indeed. I hate even entering the florescent-lit office kitchen with its ancient microwave of dubious efficacy. Yet, I am too lazy to dutifully pack something wholesome and DK (over)acts as if I am stealing food from his mouth if I move to tote off any leftovers from dinner. So I find myself usually forgetting to eat until it's 3:00 and I've turned cranky and muddle-headed and I force myself to leave my chair and schlep OUTSIDE in search of food. Then, all bets are off. I usually make some desperate weird choice like, for instance yesterday, ten shrimp with cocktail sauce and a mini strawberry tart; other popular choices have been roasted brussel sprouts and a date bar.
Salad makes me feel virtuous yet unsatisfied; sandwiches are too boring, pizza too unhealthy. I look forward to the Thumbscrew's Research Lab solution.
Wait, have you seen this post of Tertia's which includes pictures of her kids eating beef jerky?!
Anxiously awaiting part II.
The Italian lunch solution: pasta salad. Combine penne, grape tomatoes, mozzarella, basil and ham with olive oil S&P and somethin acidic, like vinegar or lemon juice/zest. Delicious cold from the fridge or room temp with some bread and bev of your choice (mine is red wine). Cheers, mate.
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
Create a Link
<< Home