Despicuous Consumption #1 - Frou-Frou Electronics
I hate accumulating "stuff". While I enjoy mall-going as much as the next boring suburbanite (hey, any excuse to get out of the house, slurp iced chai from a vessel the size of a bidet and let my son knock over elaborately-contructed pyramids of small appliances), the prospect of actually bringing purchased items into my home is somewhat disquieting. The physical space which these items consume bugs me; it's as though I view taking up a 4"x8" rectangle of space on my end table as an act of affrontery mere millimeters away from standing in front of my fridge in a raggedy bathrobe, consuming squirts of reduced-fat butterscotch topping directly from the bottle.
I realize that this peculiarity is almost directly contrary to the consumerist mood o' the day, perhaps best summarized as, "Buy it! Buy it now! It's new! It has [another blade, NASA-engineered grease-fighters, the ability to soak up 10,000 times its own weight in blue-tinted liquid, flavor crystals, an adorable CGI mascot's seal of approval, cheddar, bacon AND ranch dressing]!"
I'm outnumbered, outgunned and woefully devoid of ANY type of flavor-tastic dippin' sauce. Thusly, my friends, I am bringing you "Despicuous Consumption", a periodic roundup of the latest and (supposed) greatest products which I will absolutely, positively NOT be purchasing.
Bang & Olufsen's "Serene" Cell Phone
Pros: always the most exclusive phone in the room, unless you routinely hang out with high-ranking national intelligence officials whose phones have that nifty "Push To Send Fighter Jets To the Locale of Your Choice Within Twenty Minutes" feature.
Cons: It's $1,300.
That's the same price as six and a half Motorola RAZRs, or fifty-two entry-level Nokias. Think about it: for the same price as one Serene, you could (insert one: lose, mangle, sledgehammer, crush via monster truck, toss in stream after bitter defeat at mini-golf course) your Nokia... EVERY. SINGLE. WEEK. FOR. A. YEAR.
Frankly, if I had that kind of cash, I'd just get my manservant to make calls FOR me.
"Excuse me, kind sir... might we inquire as to whether your establishment has Price Albert in a can?"
"In that event, we strongly suggest you release him. Good-day!"
Product: iRobot Roomba Robotic Vacuum Cleaner
Pros: I don't know about YOU, but after a long, hard day at work, the last thing I want to do when entering my humble abode is slip on a spit-soaked graham cracker and go skidding across the floor like a principal in "Abbott & Costello Develop Uncontrolled Epilepsy" while simultaneously clutching an overstuffed purse, a dripping sippy cup and a toddler shrieking, "NA NA NA NA NA NA NA!" and attempting to launch himself from my arms headfirst in order to retrieve aforementioned saliva-marinated treat.
Note: "Na na" is J.Q.'s term which indicates, "I'm hungry," or perhaps the more brusque, "Gimme that cracker with a quickness, bitch, before I take a chunk outta yo goddamned arm." He must be going through a growth spurt (or an asymptomatic tapeworm infection or something), as we've been hearing "na na NA NA NA!" a LOT, as well as purchasing increasingly-large quantities of graham crackers. This kid is basically like an Insinkerator crossed with Steve Perry.
Cons: I don't think I want a device that intelligent coming into contact with MY carpets.
Bzzzzzz.... dirt dirt dirt dirt. Bzzzz.... cracker... cracker... infant saliva... cracker... dirty cracker... cracker/dirt/saliva colloid... bzzzzz... feline hair deposit... dirty feline hair deposit... silica-gel crystals... feline urine-impregnated silica gel crystals... bzzzz... infant-saliva and feline urine-impregnated silica-gel crystals... bzzz... dirt dirt dirt dirt dirt... bzzz... mud mud mud... bzzzz... muddy work boot, right foot, men's size 12... THUMP.... REDIRECT! REDIRECT!... bzzzz... THUMP! muddy work boot, left foot, men's size 12... initiating Exasperated Rhetorical Question Mode... were occupants of domicile raised in a barn: Y/N? ... REDIRECT! REDIRECT!... bzzz... dirt dirt dirt dirt... cracker... weevil, American common... bzzz... weevil copulating with cracker... bzzz... initiating Self-Destruct Sequence... why didn't they tell me about this when I was sucking up carefully-measured quantities of styrofoam pellets in the testing lab?... bzzz... RoBuddha, I am prepared to become one with the motorized Universal Consciousness... bzzzz.... BANG!
I realize that this peculiarity is almost directly contrary to the consumerist mood o' the day, perhaps best summarized as, "Buy it! Buy it now! It's new! It has [another blade, NASA-engineered grease-fighters, the ability to soak up 10,000 times its own weight in blue-tinted liquid, flavor crystals, an adorable CGI mascot's seal of approval, cheddar, bacon AND ranch dressing]!"
I'm outnumbered, outgunned and woefully devoid of ANY type of flavor-tastic dippin' sauce. Thusly, my friends, I am bringing you "Despicuous Consumption", a periodic roundup of the latest and (supposed) greatest products which I will absolutely, positively NOT be purchasing.
Bang & Olufsen's "Serene" Cell Phone
Pros: always the most exclusive phone in the room, unless you routinely hang out with high-ranking national intelligence officials whose phones have that nifty "Push To Send Fighter Jets To the Locale of Your Choice Within Twenty Minutes" feature.
Cons: It's $1,300.
That's the same price as six and a half Motorola RAZRs, or fifty-two entry-level Nokias. Think about it: for the same price as one Serene, you could (insert one: lose, mangle, sledgehammer, crush via monster truck, toss in stream after bitter defeat at mini-golf course) your Nokia... EVERY. SINGLE. WEEK. FOR. A. YEAR.
Frankly, if I had that kind of cash, I'd just get my manservant to make calls FOR me.
"Excuse me, kind sir... might we inquire as to whether your establishment has Price Albert in a can?"
"In that event, we strongly suggest you release him. Good-day!"
Product: iRobot Roomba Robotic Vacuum Cleaner
Pros: I don't know about YOU, but after a long, hard day at work, the last thing I want to do when entering my humble abode is slip on a spit-soaked graham cracker and go skidding across the floor like a principal in "Abbott & Costello Develop Uncontrolled Epilepsy" while simultaneously clutching an overstuffed purse, a dripping sippy cup and a toddler shrieking, "NA NA NA NA NA NA NA!" and attempting to launch himself from my arms headfirst in order to retrieve aforementioned saliva-marinated treat.
Note: "Na na" is J.Q.'s term which indicates, "I'm hungry," or perhaps the more brusque, "Gimme that cracker with a quickness, bitch, before I take a chunk outta yo goddamned arm." He must be going through a growth spurt (or an asymptomatic tapeworm infection or something), as we've been hearing "na na NA NA NA!" a LOT, as well as purchasing increasingly-large quantities of graham crackers. This kid is basically like an Insinkerator crossed with Steve Perry.
Cons: I don't think I want a device that intelligent coming into contact with MY carpets.
Bzzzzzz.... dirt dirt dirt dirt. Bzzzz.... cracker... cracker... infant saliva... cracker... dirty cracker... cracker/dirt/saliva colloid... bzzzzz... feline hair deposit... dirty feline hair deposit... silica-gel crystals... feline urine-impregnated silica gel crystals... bzzzz... infant-saliva and feline urine-impregnated silica-gel crystals... bzzz... dirt dirt dirt dirt dirt... bzzz... mud mud mud... bzzzz... muddy work boot, right foot, men's size 12... THUMP.... REDIRECT! REDIRECT!... bzzzz... THUMP! muddy work boot, left foot, men's size 12... initiating Exasperated Rhetorical Question Mode... were occupants of domicile raised in a barn: Y/N? ... REDIRECT! REDIRECT!... bzzz... dirt dirt dirt dirt... cracker... weevil, American common... bzzz... weevil copulating with cracker... bzzz... initiating Self-Destruct Sequence... why didn't they tell me about this when I was sucking up carefully-measured quantities of styrofoam pellets in the testing lab?... bzzz... RoBuddha, I am prepared to become one with the motorized Universal Consciousness... bzzzz.... BANG!
Labels: The Compleat Thumbscrew
posted by thumbscre.ws at
6/05/2006
2 Comments:
My husband got me a Roomba for Christmas and it was a great thing--and I promise you, not intelligent at all, it gets stuck in corners--until it stopped working. I think our golden retriever's fur was too much for it.
Ah, I'm not the only one whose husband thought that a vacuum cleaner was a good holiday present (as detailed here: http://pcosbaby.typepad.com/my_weblog/2005/12/js_gift_to_me.html ). I liked it once I got over the fact that my husband did, in fact, get me a vacuum cleaner as a gift. My big problem is that I have to empty it every 10 minutes. The fur of 2 Bassett/Lab mixes fills its tiny reservoir up quickly.
I agree that it's as stupid as can be. It keeps getting lost under the armoire in our bedroom. The armoire's not that big, nor is it dirty underneath it (well, not as dirty as the rest of the floor).
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