Live From Sar's Visit
Further evidence of why Sar and I are the funniest...
#1:
Jul: "Well, ____'s was about THIS big." [makes scuba "okay" sign roughly the diameter of a bratwurst]
Sar: "Really? Well, ____'s was THIS big!" [slightly larger scuba-"okay"; maybe uncooked kielbasa-sized]
Several minutes later...
Jul: "So the aspect ratio was, like, unusual?"
Sar: "Yeah, it was more or less like a soda can."
Jul: "Really!" [takes appreciative slurp from can of diet Coke]
Sar: "Dude, how long has that landscaping crew been watching us?"
#2:
While driving down Suburbiaville Hwy., Sar flips open her cell phone to call Psychotically Jealous Long-Haired Occasional Boyfriend
Sar: "Don't say anything nasty when I'm on the phone with P.J.L-H.O.B.!"
Jul: "Oh, I won't." [reaches over and cranks radio up to 11, nearly incinerating car occupants' ears with Judas Priest]
Sar: "GODDAMN IT!"
Jul: [in poor vocal imitation of P.J.L-H.O.B.] "Why were you doing dirty deeds dirt cheap? AND WHO WERE YOU DOING THEM WITH?!"
Worst Hostess EVER
Over the course of Sar's visit, she's bought me energy drinks and candy, made me crack up, watched a shrieky J.Q. so I could go for a run (well, an iPod-scored stumble, but I'm getting better) AND visit a friend. In return, I have...
- Made her sleep in the recently bug-sprayed guest bedroom; while she is hoping for a future child as cute as J.Q., I am now afeared that she will produce a miniature pink Cthulu who bites directly through his jars of Earth's Best Goo 'n Lumps and requires a mobile of freshly-mutilated woodland creatures playing a stylized version of "Enter Sandman" in order to fall asleep.
- Prepared a box of "Cheesy Ham 'n Hashbrown Casserole" for dinner. On reflection, Sar and I both agreed that this product was not exactly a garden of epicurean delight.
Jul: "Holy shit, this tastes like prison food."
Sar: "BAD prison food."
Jul: "First, they take away your TV. Then they put you in solitary. THEN they feed you Cheesy Ham 'n Hashbrown Casserole."
- Just realized that Sar's first-ever solo diaper change will be this morning... the very morning, in fact, after I fed J.Q. Mexican-spiced black beans for dinner for the first time. If I come home to find J.Q. clad in a diaper the size of a regulation soccer ball, exuding an aroma reminiscent of Taco Day at the waste treatment plant, I cannot say I'll be surprised. It would probably serve me right for Cheesy Ham 'n Hashbrown Casserole.
#1:
Jul: "Well, ____'s was about THIS big." [makes scuba "okay" sign roughly the diameter of a bratwurst]
Sar: "Really? Well, ____'s was THIS big!" [slightly larger scuba-"okay"; maybe uncooked kielbasa-sized]
Several minutes later...
Jul: "So the aspect ratio was, like, unusual?"
Sar: "Yeah, it was more or less like a soda can."
Jul: "Really!" [takes appreciative slurp from can of diet Coke]
Sar: "Dude, how long has that landscaping crew been watching us?"
#2:
While driving down Suburbiaville Hwy., Sar flips open her cell phone to call Psychotically Jealous Long-Haired Occasional Boyfriend
Sar: "Don't say anything nasty when I'm on the phone with P.J.L-H.O.B.!"
Jul: "Oh, I won't." [reaches over and cranks radio up to 11, nearly incinerating car occupants' ears with Judas Priest]
Sar: "GODDAMN IT!"
Jul: [in poor vocal imitation of P.J.L-H.O.B.] "Why were you doing dirty deeds dirt cheap? AND WHO WERE YOU DOING THEM WITH?!"
Worst Hostess EVER
Over the course of Sar's visit, she's bought me energy drinks and candy, made me crack up, watched a shrieky J.Q. so I could go for a run (well, an iPod-scored stumble, but I'm getting better) AND visit a friend. In return, I have...
- Made her sleep in the recently bug-sprayed guest bedroom; while she is hoping for a future child as cute as J.Q., I am now afeared that she will produce a miniature pink Cthulu who bites directly through his jars of Earth's Best Goo 'n Lumps and requires a mobile of freshly-mutilated woodland creatures playing a stylized version of "Enter Sandman" in order to fall asleep.
- Prepared a box of "Cheesy Ham 'n Hashbrown Casserole" for dinner. On reflection, Sar and I both agreed that this product was not exactly a garden of epicurean delight.
Jul: "Holy shit, this tastes like prison food."
Sar: "BAD prison food."
Jul: "First, they take away your TV. Then they put you in solitary. THEN they feed you Cheesy Ham 'n Hashbrown Casserole."
- Just realized that Sar's first-ever solo diaper change will be this morning... the very morning, in fact, after I fed J.Q. Mexican-spiced black beans for dinner for the first time. If I come home to find J.Q. clad in a diaper the size of a regulation soccer ball, exuding an aroma reminiscent of Taco Day at the waste treatment plant, I cannot say I'll be surprised. It would probably serve me right for Cheesy Ham 'n Hashbrown Casserole.
Labels: The Compleat Thumbscrew
posted by thumbscre.ws at
6/07/2006
2 Comments:
OH MY GOD...when Grub was sick, some kind soul brought us a bunch of easy-to-prepare dinner-type things, and Cheesy Ham n'Hashbrown Casserole was one of them! If they served that stuff in prison for real, crime rates would plummet.
Tell her to approach the diaper like a BJ--breathe through the nose, be prepared to possibly get hit in the face if she's not careful, and remember, he's uncircumcised so she may have to retract...thank you, good night!
Yo! It was SO not my first solo diaper run. I've changed JQ many a time before- HOWEVER- since he started eating solid food, his solid waste has been disgusting and I haven't done one of the those without begging Mom to take over.
Yeah, the Prison Casserole was disgusting. It looked better the next morning after it had been sitting on the stove drying out and congealing for twelve hours.
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