This Time, It's Personal
The first thing I'm going to do following my separation is spend several hours staring at my bathroom sink, transported to a new level of awe and delight by the utter lack of beard hair and dessicated shaving cream found therein. I may even gently stroke the porcelain like a blissed-out rave-goer fondling her companion's pleather pants.
Ahem.
The next thing I'm going to do is place a personal ad.
I've never "dated", per se. I've been cohabitating with my husband since I was seventeen. Prior to that, my "dates" lasted as long as your standard Jerry Bruckheimer boom-fest (wanton popcorn-sharing optional) and ended not with "Your place or mine?", but with my father yelling at me to hop in the Crown Vic so that he could get back home and resume plunking out atonal versions of hard rock classics (think "Whole Lotta Love" meets the Koyaanasquatsi soundtrack, with backing vocals provided by my mother yelling, "HONEY! THE WASHING MACHINE IS SHAKING AND MAKING A NOISE LIKE A LABORING COW AGAIN!").
The last time I declared my interest to an available male was in elementary school. I did so by passing him a folded square of wide-ruled paper bearing the provocative question, "DO YOU LIKE ME? CIRCLE ONE, Y/N". His answer was a definitive N, which actually turned out for the best; a decade later, he served a three-year prison term for making bomb threats against our high school. While it is possible that my innocent display of affection twisted his impressionable little mind, I prefer to believe he was just a dipshit.
In the years between Mr. Terroristic Threats Against the New Jersey Public School System and Mr. Thumbscrews, a series of young men pried themselves away from their PlayStations long enough to vie for my affection (or at least the opportunity to slide a palm kernel oil-slicked hand under my t-shirt during "Escape From Plausibility Peninsula"). Each of these "relationships" was about as lengthy - and somewhat less satisfying than - a protracted game of Tetris. I was always the passive party, following Dude du Jour's lead, stumbling backwards in beaten-up Chuck Taylors throughout the approach, courtship, jujube-fueled makeout sessions and inevitable dumping.
When the opportunity arose to enter a serious, IKEA-furnished relationship with Mr. Thumbscrews, I was ecstatic. Dating was like visiting an hostile foreign land: the customs were inscrutable, the language indecipherable, the atmosphere supremely uncomfortable. Even the most adventurous traveler reaches a point where clean hotel sheets and Hershey bars seem infinitely more appealing than woven-bark blankets and delicacies with more legs than seems strictly necessary. When I dragged the two trash bags containing all my worldly goods up a flight of stairs and into my future husband's apartment, I was gladly convinced that I was retiring my passport for good. Ha. Fucking. Ha.
[Insert clip of sinister chortling from Pink Floyd's "Brain Damage". Is there a situation which WOULDN'T be enhanced by a little Floyd? Yes, actually. When shooting pool in a somewhat-shady neighborhood, you might not wish to play "Welcome to the Machine" on the jukebox, lest the gentleman at the next table (who is roughly the size and consistency of the monolith from "2001: A Space Odyessy") shake his cue menacingly in your direction and yell, "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS 'MEH MEH MEH MEH MACHIIIIIINE' SHIT?!"]
Very well, then. Once more into the breach. My family, my friends, my therapist and - somewhat surprisingly - my husband all agree: it would be a good idea for me to date during our separation. Playing the field seems to be a pretty integral part of most young adults' growth and development, and god knows we could use some growin' and developin' up in this joint. Furthermore, dating will force me to engage in actual, factual recreation, an area in which I could certainly use some assistance. "Don't Know How to Party" may have been my soundtrack in junior high, but No, I Really DON'T Know How to Party has been the tune I've rocked ever since. I could really use a few hours free of working, scheduling, organizing, cleaning, nose-wiping, butt-swabbing, discipline-administering (riddle me this, Child Development Expert-Man: how is "SPIT IT OUT RIGHT NOW!" any easier to understand than, "Dude, don't put that rock/twig/quarter/small appliance in your mouth!") or doing anything more productive than eating Sno-Caps and watching large swatches of L.A. get pulverized by aliens hell-bent on world conquest and/or selling their screenplay ("E'glexch a'iilynor eeeeya AND A WISECRACKING VENUSIAN TEAM UP ON A CROSS-GALAXY ADVENTURE! YOUR SPAWN WILL LOVE IT!").
My questions for you, my infinitely wise and foul-mouthed reading audience:
1. What's the #1 thing you wish you'd known BEFORE you began dating ("Don't order anything which requires more than one piece of cutlery to eat and/or comes to the table engulfed in flames", "Those growths probably AREN'T the result of a welding accident", etc.)?
2. I'm not looking for a serious commitment. I'm sure as hell not looking for a replacement father for J.Q.; J.Q. already HAS a wonderful father (even if I feel like running him over with a combine harvester sometimes). I want someone with whom I can see movies, have fun, kick ass at Quizzo, and (the following passage inserted for the benefits of my mother and therapist, the sweetest little middle-aged Jewish lady ever to use the phrase, "Be sure to wrap it up!"), once we've known one another for 10,000 years, been tested for all major diseases and wrapped our bodies in several layers of microbicide-slathered latex, maybe, possibly, perhaps engage in Grown-Up Activities.
How do I write a personal ad indicating this without sounding as though I'm requesting that all available men proceed immediately to my domicile, disrobe and allow me to hop on their jock?
3. Given my socially-clueless nature: how the F do I know when a man is interested in me, or make my own interest known? I suppose I could try purring, "Open your mouth and close your eyes and you will get a BIG surprise!" and then inserting a random part of my anatomy when the gentleman in question complies, but I suspect that may be a bit too "forward".
3. Are any of these pictures suitable for a personal ad? Amazingly, these are the GOOD ones; in each of the other photos, I'd managed to cut off my chin; I didn't want potential suitors thinking I was trying to hide, say, a ZZ Top-style beard.
Ahem.
The next thing I'm going to do is place a personal ad.
I've never "dated", per se. I've been cohabitating with my husband since I was seventeen. Prior to that, my "dates" lasted as long as your standard Jerry Bruckheimer boom-fest (wanton popcorn-sharing optional) and ended not with "Your place or mine?", but with my father yelling at me to hop in the Crown Vic so that he could get back home and resume plunking out atonal versions of hard rock classics (think "Whole Lotta Love" meets the Koyaanasquatsi soundtrack, with backing vocals provided by my mother yelling, "HONEY! THE WASHING MACHINE IS SHAKING AND MAKING A NOISE LIKE A LABORING COW AGAIN!").
The last time I declared my interest to an available male was in elementary school. I did so by passing him a folded square of wide-ruled paper bearing the provocative question, "DO YOU LIKE ME? CIRCLE ONE, Y/N". His answer was a definitive N, which actually turned out for the best; a decade later, he served a three-year prison term for making bomb threats against our high school. While it is possible that my innocent display of affection twisted his impressionable little mind, I prefer to believe he was just a dipshit.
In the years between Mr. Terroristic Threats Against the New Jersey Public School System and Mr. Thumbscrews, a series of young men pried themselves away from their PlayStations long enough to vie for my affection (or at least the opportunity to slide a palm kernel oil-slicked hand under my t-shirt during "Escape From Plausibility Peninsula"). Each of these "relationships" was about as lengthy - and somewhat less satisfying than - a protracted game of Tetris. I was always the passive party, following Dude du Jour's lead, stumbling backwards in beaten-up Chuck Taylors throughout the approach, courtship, jujube-fueled makeout sessions and inevitable dumping.
When the opportunity arose to enter a serious, IKEA-furnished relationship with Mr. Thumbscrews, I was ecstatic. Dating was like visiting an hostile foreign land: the customs were inscrutable, the language indecipherable, the atmosphere supremely uncomfortable. Even the most adventurous traveler reaches a point where clean hotel sheets and Hershey bars seem infinitely more appealing than woven-bark blankets and delicacies with more legs than seems strictly necessary. When I dragged the two trash bags containing all my worldly goods up a flight of stairs and into my future husband's apartment, I was gladly convinced that I was retiring my passport for good. Ha. Fucking. Ha.
[Insert clip of sinister chortling from Pink Floyd's "Brain Damage". Is there a situation which WOULDN'T be enhanced by a little Floyd? Yes, actually. When shooting pool in a somewhat-shady neighborhood, you might not wish to play "Welcome to the Machine" on the jukebox, lest the gentleman at the next table (who is roughly the size and consistency of the monolith from "2001: A Space Odyessy") shake his cue menacingly in your direction and yell, "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS 'MEH MEH MEH MEH MACHIIIIIINE' SHIT?!"]
Very well, then. Once more into the breach. My family, my friends, my therapist and - somewhat surprisingly - my husband all agree: it would be a good idea for me to date during our separation. Playing the field seems to be a pretty integral part of most young adults' growth and development, and god knows we could use some growin' and developin' up in this joint. Furthermore, dating will force me to engage in actual, factual recreation, an area in which I could certainly use some assistance. "Don't Know How to Party" may have been my soundtrack in junior high, but No, I Really DON'T Know How to Party has been the tune I've rocked ever since. I could really use a few hours free of working, scheduling, organizing, cleaning, nose-wiping, butt-swabbing, discipline-administering (riddle me this, Child Development Expert-Man: how is "SPIT IT OUT RIGHT NOW!" any easier to understand than, "Dude, don't put that rock/twig/quarter/small appliance in your mouth!") or doing anything more productive than eating Sno-Caps and watching large swatches of L.A. get pulverized by aliens hell-bent on world conquest and/or selling their screenplay ("E'glexch a'iilynor eeeeya AND A WISECRACKING VENUSIAN TEAM UP ON A CROSS-GALAXY ADVENTURE! YOUR SPAWN WILL LOVE IT!").
My questions for you, my infinitely wise and foul-mouthed reading audience:
1. What's the #1 thing you wish you'd known BEFORE you began dating ("Don't order anything which requires more than one piece of cutlery to eat and/or comes to the table engulfed in flames", "Those growths probably AREN'T the result of a welding accident", etc.)?
2. I'm not looking for a serious commitment. I'm sure as hell not looking for a replacement father for J.Q.; J.Q. already HAS a wonderful father (even if I feel like running him over with a combine harvester sometimes). I want someone with whom I can see movies, have fun, kick ass at Quizzo, and (the following passage inserted for the benefits of my mother and therapist, the sweetest little middle-aged Jewish lady ever to use the phrase, "Be sure to wrap it up!"), once we've known one another for 10,000 years, been tested for all major diseases and wrapped our bodies in several layers of microbicide-slathered latex, maybe, possibly, perhaps engage in Grown-Up Activities.
How do I write a personal ad indicating this without sounding as though I'm requesting that all available men proceed immediately to my domicile, disrobe and allow me to hop on their jock?
3. Given my socially-clueless nature: how the F do I know when a man is interested in me, or make my own interest known? I suppose I could try purring, "Open your mouth and close your eyes and you will get a BIG surprise!" and then inserting a random part of my anatomy when the gentleman in question complies, but I suspect that may be a bit too "forward".
3. Are any of these pictures suitable for a personal ad? Amazingly, these are the GOOD ones; in each of the other photos, I'd managed to cut off my chin; I didn't want potential suitors thinking I was trying to hide, say, a ZZ Top-style beard.
Labels: Divorce Song, The Compleat Thumbscrew
posted by thumbscre.ws at
6/20/2006
32 Comments:
I admire your courage for daring to imagine setting out into the big scary world known as "Singlesville." As far as assvice goes, the biggest two things I wish I'd known before dating (and during) are these: 1.)People do not change. The only thing that changes is your ability to view them through the rose colored glasses of infatuation and love and your willingness to tolerate their idiosyncracies. And 2.)A man will treat you the same he treats his mother, for better or worse. Bank on it.
Beyond that, I say you go with photo #2 and use eharmony as I have personally known 3 couples who met on that site and are now quite happily married. Best of luck to you. I look forward to reading all about your excursion into that wild and crazy world.
uh and i am delurking to say i hated dating, always just found men around work + any other 'normal' activities, but then looking back maybe i should have dated more...
for amusement/inspiration take a look at these: http://www.lrb.co.uk/classified/index.php#PERSONALS
oh and here's a link to someone else's five things to absorb while you are still young. http://www.5ives.com/archives/2006/01/23/five-good-things-to-absorb-while-youre-still-young/
and my favorite picture is the last one - it is odd and nice and interesting - it seems the closest to the way you write your blog...
good luck :)
umm, I think photo number 1. In it you look quirky and fun.
Other than that I got nothing for you. My story is very similar to yours except my partner was a woman and I was 25 when I emerged from stasis to shack up with her post-haste. But from my careful observations of others I can tell you that if he has a locked room in his house and he tells you that you can go anywhere in his house but that particular room... then, uh, don't go in that room.
Oh yeah, and the people don't change, your glasses do thing sounds good, too.
I kinda like the 2nd pixchur, but none of them really shows how pretty my lil girl is--your smooth skin, dark eyes, contagious smile. I would get a better pixchur done than one you hastily snap of yourself with your cellphone after 7 hours at work on the assified end of the week.
E-harmony sounds like a good idea, unless you want to go to Lib/Lib at the Unitarian Church. I would never, never do the bars scene; being called a lesbian (no offense to my friends of that persuasion) and then vomited on because I won't accompany some drunk back to his hovel by way of thanking him for the free drink is not my idea of spending an adventurous evening out as a newly-single person.
I dunno, honey... I was never single. Best of my recollection, I was born married, so I can't really give the best advice. But I would say this: don't look for a diamond in a pig's trough, and don't discount the value of time spent in solitary contemplation. Before you try to line up companionship, work on yourself and get to a point where you feel comfortable with your efforts to grow and change. I just can't understand jumping into the dating scene right off of a major traumatic life event. You're young! You got time!
teeth! where're your teeth? you need a big smile, squinty happy eyes...the dudes need to see how fun you'll be to hang out with....not think that you'll...um, grimace (?) at them all evening...you write some hilarious stuff, I'd think you must crack a real smile at some point...show it! and best of luck, I hope you have mad fun!!
What I wish I'd known: There *is* something in between a guy who is, basically, just not that into you and one who wants to isolate you from friends and family and control your every move.
What I miss now: the excitement of first kisses.
You look pretty in the pics but better lighting would make a huge difference.
If you're 1/10 as funny in person as you are in your blog (sadly for me, I am funniest on IM), guys will be tripping over themselves to hang out with you.
Have fun!
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
oh well now saying that is has been removed looks all ominous like i wrote something mean i then regretted. actually i just accidentally posted twice.
Keep first meetings/dates from on-line personal ads short. Coffee or glass of wine kind of meeting. You can always try to make a good date longer, but escaping from a long one is much harder.
The people I know who have had successful on-line dating experiences didn't squelch their sense of humor in their ad. One of my favorites was a friend who, in the physical description part of the ad, said "Opposable thumbs, walks upright." And another who referred to her "dowry" as a 15 year old cat and furniture she mostly dragged in from the side of the road. Both seemed to get dates with people who also had a sense of humor and had fewer of the excruciatingly earnest variety.
kate, I don't think her humor is squelchable, thank god. (It would have been squelched long ago if it were.) I was feeling melancholy today, and this post cheered me up.
I like those pictures ... I think #1 is the best. Of course, you will be eliminating some possibly good guys who just happen to have a zz top fetish.
What I wish I'd known: I wish I'd known to be myself and not to repulse a male by becoming a female version of them in an attempt to impress them. I wish I'd known to just walk away, and that "getting rid of asshole" didn't equate to "giving up" or "failure". I wish I'd known to take things slowly... hold hands on the first date instead of my first introduction into the world of anything remotely sexual consisting of a hard bite to the neck, scratch marks down my back, and a decidedly unlubricated finger up my hoo-hoo. Wish I'd waited longer than two weeks before having sex with a guy. I wish I'd enjoyed them enough to enjoy taking things slowly.
Picture #2, definitely. But I agree with Mom. You should take some better pictures, and maybe even put something cool in the background, like a No Dog Pooping sign, or an abandoned HoHo factory... but beware, men think that if the picture is taken from an angle facing downward on your face, you're hiding an enormous double chin... or a beard. #1 smile looks fake; #3 looks strange.
Jess is right; guys don't change, so be with one who is acceptable to you all around. Never compromise your morals. Most importantly (and you're damn near there!) is to respect yourself! So that way he will respect you instead of competing with you. Don't overlook things that set off the "warning bell" Mom was so apt to tell us about when we were younger. Let your intentions be known.
If you just want some, be specific about it! At the risk of incriminating a very close friend, I think that your best bet now would be to do as she does: find a male friend caught in a love triangle that bears no fruit, so that you both have the same intentions; both of you want some ass, but neither one wants anything anywhere close to a relationship. Friend says that the sex is great and she can just go home and get on with her day. This might be good for you, because the last thing you should look forward to right now is committment.
In fact, we should go on some man-hunts together. Or lady-hunts. I really don't give a shit. Don't be afraid to do all of the experimenting you never got to do when you were an awkward adolescent! Because we all know you want to find out if he's a freak-E-deke BEFORE you marry him. I fully intend to hook up with a few women. Mmm, sloppy lesbian hook-ups!
*awkward silence*
Are you sure you want to go the personal ad route?
Sure you don't want to go out with your sister to an All-Nite Smart-Single-Experimental-Sex Station and Pancake Eatery? Oh, wait. No such thing exists. I can daydream, can't I?
Jul, you're a beautiful person, and the sooner you realize it, the sooner you will require the aid of a large stick with which you can ward off the herd of oncoming men with poorly-conceived pick-up lines.
"If you were a nose... I'd pick *you*."
I like picture 1
The best dating advice I never got was to learn what it feels like to be happy alone so you'll know you're not happy with a man.
I wouldn't have listened either.
I do wonder why Mr.T looked elsewhere- you're beautiful, smart, funny.
Picture #2, definitely. The others look jaundiced and somehow not genuine...and dammit, I thought we had a deal about kicking the mens to the curb and trying the lesbian thing. Back off, assholes, she's mine!
I'm in the same boat--never really did the dating thing. Had one soul-crushing long-term relationship spanning the teen years, one brief staged fling with the girl he was REALLY in love with to show him what pain felt like, one year-long revenge fuck with HER fiance to show HER that SHE wasn't all that...okay, moving on (really, I grew out of the craziness, NO, REALLY)...and then I married Pyg. SIGH...so now I'm determined to date. And have no clue how. Good advice from the commenters.
Get a 35 mm camera, some slide film and a friend with a steady hand, go outside about 1/2 hour before sunset and take an entire roll of film. Get it developed into slides, pick out the best few (the place you get your slides developed should have a light box) then ask them to develop some pictures from the slides. The colors would be saturated and you will look amazing in natural light.
I agree the photos look a little sterile--strange light. I'd get someone to take them for you, preferably someone who makes you laugh and can get a genuine smile out of you (esepcially as your personality seems the exact opposite of sterile and flat!). Personally, I liked the ones of you nursing JQ (although I'd crop out the baby and the boob and just go wih the cool, quirky angle on your face, you could get some weird-ass responses with the nursing kiddo!).
Dating:
It's okay to date someone totally unsuitable if they are fun and hot.
I think that the phase you're at, you should watch out for signs of rebounding--overattachment too fast, etc.
If someone behaves like a jerk, walk!! I spent wayyyyyy too much time with guys who were assholes just because, well, who knows why. I liked the drama, I guess. Move on! Many fish in the sea!
I miss the excitement of first dates, the wondering what to wear and where to go, etc.. I also miss doing things I wouldn't typically do:My first hockey game AND symphony performance were both dates, both things I never would have done on my own and really liked.
I probably don't need to tell you about safety, but just in case: NEVER get into a car with a guy you just met. For first meetings, make it public, arrive separately, and I highly second the whole "meet for coffee or a drink" thing. Don't invite anyone back to your place until you're relatively sure he's not a psycho.
I read this somewhere, that you should actively TRY to be rejected by as many people as possible. Like go to a party or bar or whatever saying you won't leave until you've been rejected three times. You're cute, smart and witty and thus quite unlikely to pick those up fast, so by the time you get them/place closes/you end up making out with someone in the corner, you'll have already picked up quite a few prospects, and going into the situation saying "I am TRYING to collect rejections" versus "OMG, what if I get rejected??" makes it easier to talk to guys. If they are jerks, oh well, there's one rejection done and on to the next guy--if they're not, hey, you met a potential!
As far as letting a guy know you like him---it will come naturally if you do, in fact, like him! Every guy who ever returned my interest asked me out eventually. If you're not sure, ask HIM to go grab a cup of coffee or a beer or whatever. If he likes you, yay, you've made the frist move, if he thinks of you as a pal, you haven't made him uncomfortable by, like, proposing marriage or anything.
Also?? Speed dating looks fun.
Sorry for the log post, but i am so happy my many many many mistakes in my dating yearsmight benefit SOMEBODU!
Hmmm. Well, I met my fiance online, at Salon.com or some such. I would look at a smattering of profiles at different personals sites and pick the site that seems to attract the least irksome men.
As far as actual dating advice...I sucked at dating, and hated it with a white-hot passion, but I did notice that confidence goes a long way. I wrote a piece once on a book called "How To Pick Up A Man," and during my research for the essay I suddenly started attracting people, I think because I wasn't actually trying to in any real way--it was just "research," after all. With the pressure off I was much bolder, and was so focused on getting good quotes that I didn't really worry about whether the things I said sounded "cute."
"Be yourself" sounds cheesy, and is a bit challenging to pull off sometimes, if you are a nervous type--but it works.
I'm a stranger poking my nose in your business. So ignore at will. But you know, Hi!
Picture 3.
No eHarmony.
EHarmony has a marriage jones. They want you to meet your soul mate, yo ...or die trying. And that doesn't sound like what you are looking for. Plus, they have no sense of humor.
For something a little lighter - I'd suggest Nerve or maybe OK Cupid (overlook the adolescent horndogs - free site attracts them). A friend of mine is having no problem meeting post-separation ladies on Yahoo personals.
Read a ton of profiles before you finish writing yours to get a sense of the language people use, the things that make you wince, the ways that people make the point about thier peculiar circumstances - and choose options like "short term relationship, friends, activity partners" rather than "long term relationships" or "for play".
And say what you want, more or less.
Listen to your instincts. And if any one acts like he's doing you a favor, show him the door.
Good luck and have fun.
I dated my ass off for years, but ended up meeting my husband through a newspaper personal (Chicago Reader--his ad). I have the ad framed on a wall at home--it said something about liking sushi and Superchunk and hating unbridled corporate greed. I still laugh about that one. We talked on the phone for probably at least 6 hours (not all at once!) and finally met at a PUBLIC PLACE (Art Institute). I suggest you do the same until you know you're not hanging out with an ax-yielding homocidal maniac. Otherwise--have fun! And don't be afraid to say, "I'm going home," or "take me home NOW." I've done that on more than a few occasions. I'm all about dating around, but not much for completely wasting my time with a loathesome individual. Being as up-front as possible is helpful for both those negative AND positive experiences. Good luck!
Met him at 19, burried him at 28 and back into the fray I went {it was 4.5 years ago}.
1. Most important thing, if on the first date you ever think "jerk", "dumb*ss", "crazy", or "liar" - GO WITH IT - TRUST IT - RUN FOR THE DOOR.
2. Salad is not graceful to eat, Mr. Thumbscrew may never have told you he could see your tonsils {tonsil scars?} - but there is a good chance he could.
3. Save any 'come hither' clothing for at least the second date so you aren't dressed for come hither when you mean - yuck - go away.
4. You will think "go away" much more than you will think "come hither".
5. Just because you said yes to a date doesn't mean that you have to like him, you might not after a cup of coffee. It's not a job interview, it's looking for a friend to make-out with {if you so choose}.
Picture #1, maybe cropped for bangs, eyes, grin - your eyes look great in that one, very playful and fun.
I liked match.com, met my guy there.
Good luck!
Oh, and by the way. Dating might be fun, and it might be too much, either way is completely fine.
De-lurking to give some ass-vice. I am also a serial monogamist who didn't date much -- separated and divorced in 2003 after a 15 year relationship with 1st husband, did online dating, met an amazing guy on match.com and married him last march. I am a total believer in online dating. But view it as entertainment. Don't get too wrapped up in each individual date....it's a bit of a volume process. Writing your profile will make you think about yourself and what you want from a partner. Do the eharmony free personality test for additional insight, even if you don't join. Set up a blind email acct with yahoo -- when you get to phone contact, talk on a cell phone -- meet in a public place. Don't be passive -- contact those guys you think are interesting. If a guy wants to meet you, he's interested. If after meeting you, he wants to see you again, he's interested. And have some fun! Oh, and I like the first pic! Fell free to email me if you want to talk abt my experience further! Best of luck!
Heya, so I gotta say, although I like your pics, I have seen better of you. You had a cute one with JQ back in the day before you were famous. I am not saying to post a picture of you with your child but I am just saying, you might have better pictures of yourself to use. These look a little like you held out the camera and took it yourself. But I do like the first one the best of the bunch - you have great eyes and a fabulous smile.
As for the dating advice, the best I can give is the coffee or lunch date. There is a bonafide beginning and end so that if you don't like the dude, it is only an hour. If you do like him, you can plan another date.
Of course, meet somewhere public and never give out your address.
If you like the guy, casually suggest another date. If the guy does not follow up within a few days, as the book says "he just isn't that into you."
I was pretty good at dating before I settled down and the best advice I can give you is to be a little aggressive - if you meet someone and like him, ask him for his email address, suggest the coffee date, etc. That is more for if you meet someone outside of the ads. Guys are shy too, and sometimes very clueless. I know my husband was!
More ass-vice (unsolicited, from a male, no less... forgive me for intruding):
in addition to the other great suggestions, perhaps some sort of hobby club? The added benefits are that it's something you like to do even if nothing comes of it, and if something *does* come of it you have a conversational starting point that leapfrogs the embarrassing small talk. (And yeah, I realize that all this is a lot tougher with a little one.)
Break a leg (or two) out there!
Coming late to the discussion. The best advice about personal ads is to have SOMEONE ELSE write them. Seriously. You are a great writer, but one of your other sassy friends might be a little more, ahem, self promoting. My friends and I once got together for a 'personal ad writing party.' It was hysterical and productive. Maybe you could hold a virtual party. It sounds like you have a lot of fans.
(hi! I'm Annie!)
Dating advice: Confidence is sexy. You can be wearing crocs and a tie-dyed t-shirt (well...maybe not), and as long as you think that you are sexy and interesting and funny, other people will want to be around you. That said, faking confidence is one of the best ways to actually get there. And the people that want to squelch your sense of your own worth are not the people that you want to be with.
Actually meeting people for actual dates? I got nothin'.
the woman in those pictures looks like my mother.
the internet is getting sicker and sicker.
Anon: gee, thanks.
Wait a minute: are you my son? I thought I told you NO PLAYING WITH THE COMPUTER! Here, have a graham cracker.
I have recently entered the dating game and used online dating as my vehicle to do so. Let me tell you, it's seriously hit or miss. There have been some great dates, some terrible ones (why do people put up photos that are at least 10 years old? And carry 6" pocket knives?), and some that just had no spark but I've made some good friends. Chat online a few times before agreeing to a date but do not chat for longer than a couple of weeks (you'll run out of easy things to talk about that make the nervousness go away). Meet in a public place and don't be afraid to end the date early. I have come to the conclusion that a lot of men doing the online dating thing are just looking for sex (despite what their profiles say!) so take things slowly (even if you want to jump them in the first 10 minutes). The dating scene is scary and unpredictable and nerve-wracking...but it can also be a darn good time. Oh yeah, message the guys you think you might get along with instead of waiting for guys to message you. It puts you in control and the men certainly appreciate it.
And I like Picture #1. But I agree with other comments on here that the lighting isn't so great. Have a girlfriend or two come over and take a bunch of pics. Post more than one on your profile if at all possible. And if you use a digital camera, try and put the date on the photos so people know that they are current.
Good luck!
What I learned while in the gunkiness known as the dating pool:
- go with your gut - if you'd rather be home reading a book, get going.
- try the 'looking to get 3 rejections' idea suggested above - going out on a limb was hard as hell for me, but was a lot more rewarding than trying to send out signals. (I like shy folks, which made it imperative that I start things)
- take some time for yourself, too! If dating is your only fun time, it can become pretty high pressure. Take yourself out to the movies/ dinner/ coffee/ with friends so that if your date turns out to be a dud, it's not as frustrating.
- of those photos, #1 and 2 are alight, but somthing in natural light would be great.
I just got out of the dating game... but having just turned 29 and *just* having found Mr. Right, I am soooo glad not to have to do it again (knock on wood).
That said, I still remember it all. My advice: try all kinds. The more people you meet the more likely you are to meet someone you like.
Online dating: I found match to be the best place. Cupid was okay for the dumb but good looking. There is a new site called Chemistry that a friend is trying. Just be ready for people whom you might like via email but not in person. Or who are just looking for a good-time (which might be a good thing?). (Oh, and the other persons photos might not be recent.) Outdoor lighting for pictures is always flattering... Also a facial picture and a picture showing off more of yourself are helpful. Match has some suggestions for photographs/poses.
I also did a couple of rounds of speed-dating. Sounds silly, but there is something to be said about that chemistry part. And it can boost your ego - assuming you meet interesting people.
And finally there is always friends and doing what you enjoy. Just when I least expected it, while having fun with friends, I met my Mr. Right through a mutual friend. You just never know - so get out there and meet people (friends and otherwise)!
Good luck!
Me for #1 or #2 as well.
As to dating...hmmm. What worked best for me was going about my life, making room for the things I loved and for work I was good at, and for a fair amount of wine. Then the men seemed to show up in strange and excellent and always inconvenient ways. Next to me on a bus in Burma. At a cocktail party in Boston. On a trail atop Mt. Kenya. In the optometry clinic down the hall. In the medical office next door to mine. (The last one, by the way, stuck).
Down time with no men? Also really, really good.
Pictures: Only the last one looks like you at all. And the lack of chin adds mystery.
Dating: Don't date a guy just cause he's into you, or seems like he's into you. It shows he has good taste, but it's not enough.
Don't waste your time playing "Is he into me or not?" mindgames with yourself. If he likes you, he should be a grownup and show you. If he gives mixed signals, well, you're not some kind of fucking telepath, screw him.
Don't fuck someone just to fuck someone, fuck them because you want to fuck them. Fucking anyone is nice, but it will be better, more exciting, if you want to do them in particular.
But maybe don't listen to me, cause fucking anonymous strangers has its charms too.
I met my guy on yahoo personals (we're getting married in October), and he was the last of 10 men in one summer I met from there & eHarmony.
My assvice? Date one should never be dinner - takes too long. Have drinks. If you click, then get food.
If he shows you his switchblade & takes you to a garlic-restaurant on the first date, he is not fun or cool or anything good.
I agree with the last poster's fucking advice, too.
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