50th Post Double Feature!
Better or Verse: Classical Deference
Shut up, mermaids
Cut off your tails
Condition your hair
With my chum-pail
Don't know 'bout Michelangelo
Maybe Mark Sandman and "Swing It Low"
A baritone and bass in the dark
Will substitute for the whisper and spark
Eat a peach?
Maybe once per week
After baby's gone to sleep
Of course with bib
And an ear towards the crib
When teeth are brushed and
Naught but pit remains
Juice still stains
Smile beatific and profane
Color Commentary
Almost everyone shares a similar fear when first meeting online friends... that in-person, you're dry as toast, boring as NPR and bound to be a grave disappointment to anyone accustomed to the sparkly veil of lies which is your online persona. No matter how many of my online relationships are successfully parlayed into real-life ones, I still live in fear of the following scenario:
Online Friend:"So..."
Jul: "So..."[A tumbleweed rolls by, despite the fact that we're indoors.]
Jul: ""So, um, have you ever noticed how Splenda packets are, like, yellow, but Sweet 'n Low packets are... um... shit. Our table doesn't have any Sweet 'n Low packets. Uh, never mind."
Online Friend: ""I, um... gotta go. Right now. I, er... left... a TV dinner... uh... wouldn't want my Beefy Mac to burn, so... uh... bye!"
Terrifying, no? However, a recent switch to a new variety of chill pill has made me a good deal less socially anxious, not to mention a tad hypomanic (all the "Whee!", none of the putting-$10,000-worth- of-Maazola- on-credit-cards- because-biodiesel- is-THE-FUTURE!). I am officially (at least in my own mind) As Fun as a Barrel Full of Bonobos on Ecstacy. Several recent examples:
On Van Halen Lead Singers:
M: "You always THINK it's going to be a good song. You wait and wait and you're getting more and more excited, then you wind up saying, 'Crap! It's just Van Halen!'"
J: "Yup... very disappointing to brace yourself for greatness, only to get... David Lee Roth."
M: "Or Sammy Hagar."
J: "Eh, same shit, different piles."
On Nautical Aphorisms:
J: "Yeah, it's like that old sailor's saying... red sky at night, sailor take flight, red sky at morning, sailor take warning."
S: "Isn't that the exact same thing?"
J: "Hmmn, I guess it is. Wouldn't a more concise way to put that be, 'If the sky is red, freak the fuck out!'?"
On Exercising During a Thunderstorm:
M: "It's REALLY coming down out there!"
J: "I'll be fine! But... um... if you hear a loud bang and then smell sausage, can you please come get me?"
On "The Lord of the Rings":
J: "So... is the eye of Sauron like a PHYSICAL thing, or just a concept?"
S: "What the hell are you talking about?"
J: "Is there an actual ginormous eye hanging out up in the sky, or is the eye of Sauron kind of like GOD? Like, he's always there... only, y'know, evil."
S: "There IS an actual eye, up on a tower. Didn't you WATCH the movie?" [Ed. Note: yes, I did... but I'm also the same person who, seventy minutes into "Predator", piped up, "Wait a minute... so the PREDATOR is an ALIEN?!"]
J: "Where's the rest of him?"
S: "WHAT?!"
J: "Y'know... most people aren't just an eyeball. A flaming eyeball."
S: "He's disembodied. The eye is all he's capable of projecting right now. He's trying to use the magical ring to get an actual body."
J: "So... he wouldn't technically HAVE to be an eye, right?"
S: "Uh... no, I suppose not."
J: "He could be the Nostril of Sauron, or the Chevy Impala of Sauron?"
S: "Well... yes."
J: "He could be, like, the HASHBROWN OF SAURON!"
S: "I would think that would be somewhat less intimidating than a giant flaming eye, but yes."
J: "But the only part of him which could SEE would be the part where the wrapper was peeled back!"
S: "Oh, god."
J: "And whenever one of those little hairy guys successfully evaded him, they could use it as a colloquialism, like 'skin of your teeth'... they'd be like, 'Whew! We barely slipped under the wrapper on THAT one!'"
S: "You're an idiot."
Labels: Bad Poetry, The Compleat Thumbscrew
posted by thumbscre.ws at
7/17/2006
16 Comments:
So I saw the movie, and for the life of me thought the eye of Sauron looked exactly like the flaming vagina of Sauron. I knew it was an eye, kept trying to think of it as an eye, but dammit, I couldn't get vagina out of my head, that's just what it looked like to me. But hashbrown is good, too.
I found your blog recently and adore your writing. Much luck on the single life transition - I'm doing it myself and it is alternately brilliant and devastating.
Oooo, I was allowed to read this one! And I liked it so much better than I'm A Slut, with the patented I'm-Doing-Something-Dangerous-and-Immoral-Here-So-Parents-and-Relatives-Can-Just-Go-F***-Themselves links! Wheeeee-HAAAAA!
Libby: BWA HA HA HA! I THOUGHT THE EXACT SAME THING! Someone I was with suggested that the movie should end with a giant, righteous tube of Monistat being squirted on Sauron, followed by a deep, guttural, "AHHHH!" and the cessation of all evil in Mid-World.
Mama: um... I don't know if it was intended to be or not, but that wasn't very nice.
A retort:
1. Wasn't dangerous. Without getting into gory detail, trust me on this one.
2. Wasn't immoral. At least not by my standards, which aren't the same as everyone's, but are nonetheless well thought-out and pretty firmly established. No one was hurt, no one was exposed to any gnarly germs, everyone left feeling happy and psychologically sound.
3. The piece just wasn't suitable for general consumption. I still wanted to put it out there because... well, we've been over this. Can't stay away from material, can't stay away from an audience FOR it. And I don't see that changing anytime soon.
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A loud bang and the smell of sausage? F-ing priceless! And thanks for lunch.
I want your drugs. I have major social anxiety and am mildly bipolar, and I think you should share them with me. I really am the person who can't have in-person conversations without tumbleweeds & crickets. (and not an e-stalker, I promise. just kinda crazy.)
Because you're pretty? And funny? (and the eye of Sauron really did look like, in the words of my dearest love, a flaming pussy.)
OK, I apologize PUBLICLY for my unkind comment. There, are you happy now, Slut?
Seriously, we do have a lot of feelings flying around on that last post, and maybe that's the way it has to be. We are not of the same generation, and you have not yet flipped into the Paroxysmal Fear Mode as the parent of young adult. For now, we will just have to let this go. I do apologize if my comment stung, especially since it was intended to get back at you for the hurt I felt over your last post. Mea culpa.
Someone I was with suggested that the movie should end with a giant, righteous tube of Monistat being squirted on Sauron, followed by a deep, guttural, "AHHHH!" and the cessation of all evil in Mid-World.
I want to meet the person who said this...or at least be referred to her/his blog....
This is way to funny... the eye of sauron is an inflamed vagina
Amy: my personal, results-probably-not typical cocktail is daily Lexapro and running 30 minutes, three or four times a week. You will be somewhat sleepy in the morning and NEVER HAVE ANOTHER ORGASM AGAIN (whoops, there I go with the TMI again), but you'll still feel fantastic. Neither works as well without the other.
Mama: apology accepted. Unless you get on my ass about my Lexapro comment, bitch! I kid, I kid.
Fuzzit: that was Mr. Thumbscrews, actually. He is QUITE amusing, but I've got a feeling most readers of this blog would rather whack him upside the head with a tire iron than shoot the shit with him.
::delurking to say two things::
1) this is not to be picky or hypercritical, but
2) it's "red sky at night, sailor's *delight*."
3) I still like your blog! :)
::ok, fine, so three things. relurking now::
No... they will come back in two to four weeks, bitch. Be patient.
I recently quit taking Lexapro and had forgotten how amaz--er, nevermind.
Jane: maybe that's what actually happened with the Titanic.
Captain: "AIIIIEEE! RED SKY! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"
Co-Captain: "Um, sir, we're coming up on a - "
Captain: "Noooo! Red sky! Red sky!"
Co-Captain: "Sir, we really should - "
CRUNCH!
Mama: Bwa ha!
PygWife: Hee hee! I will just keep telling myself that I'm building character.
First of all, that's the consolidated saying from now on: "There's a red sky, we're all gonna die!" In my experience, the sky is typically BLUE, so if it was red, regardless of the time of day, I'd stick my head in the sand.
Re: Lexapro. The ONE TIME I abruptly went off my meds (and subsequently off the deep end) was because she'd switched me to Lexapro and I HATED it. However, I have plently left over, which Amy is welcome to. And Fuzzit's pic is adorable.
Mama, you're hilarious.
A doctor once put me on some antidepressant that totally made me sleep for a week straight. I mean, I slept through my alarm ringing and consequently missed work something like three days in a row. Never again, man!
As much as I want to slip Mr. Thumbscrews a arsenic-filled burrito of death, that was pretty hilarious.
AN, I meant AN! *hates fervor-filled typing resulting in gross misspellings*
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