Counterintuition
6:00 PM: J.Q. and I were in the midst of a massive Battle of Wills. Arguing with a toddler is a lot like doing so with Bill O'Reilly - the other party is totally unwilling to equivocate, deviate or negotiate. Also, they're clinically insane. Me and J.Q's area of disagreement? Whether yogurt was an appropriate dinner selection. I didn't feel this was the case. However, J.Q. was certain that if he just stuck to his guns, the U.N. inspectors would find weapons of mass destruction. No! That I'd relent and fork over a bowl of cultured wonderfulness.
J.Q. : Yogur!
Mama : No. Eat your veggie burger. It's soy-tastic. I have even included a sidecar of dip-dip (a generous squirt of barbecue sauce, a.k.a. colorful candy shell for savories)!
J.Q. : YOGUR!
Mama : No.
J.Q. : Yoguryoguryoguryoguryogurrrrrr!
Mama : No.
J.Q. : [bursts into agonized, o'er-dramatic tears, ala Nancy Kerrigan. If he was a little older and had discovered The Joy of Interrogatives, I'm sure he would've tossed in a, "WHY NO YOGIT? WHY NOWWWWW?"]
J.Q. : Yogur!
Mama : No. Eat your veggie burger. It's soy-tastic. I have even included a sidecar of dip-dip (a generous squirt of barbecue sauce, a.k.a. colorful candy shell for savories)!
J.Q. : YOGUR!
Mama : No.
J.Q. : Yoguryoguryoguryoguryogurrrrrr!
Mama : No.
J.Q. : [bursts into agonized, o'er-dramatic tears, ala Nancy Kerrigan. If he was a little older and had discovered The Joy of Interrogatives, I'm sure he would've tossed in a, "WHY NO YOGIT? WHY NOWWWWW?"]
7:00 PM: Child was slathered in uneaten dinner. Mama was slathered in uneaten dinner. There was much sniffling and acrimony on both sides.
So what did I decide to do? Why, take my child to an art exhibition, of course! DUH.
And I'll be god-damned if we didn't have a fantastic time.
J.Q. was amazingly well-behaved*. He rode in his carrier, flirted with graduate students, analyzed art (blue-hued, quasi-Modernist painting of a woman crying: "Mama!" Thanks a pantsload, kid). He only opened his mouth to say adorable, squeaky things.
Oh, and to shove cookies in it.
His dinner? After all of that shrieking and pleading and bib-rending vis a vis the subject of yogurt?
Cookies. Lots. And lots. Of cookies.
And a lick of sauce from a chicken satay skewer.
And sips of diet Coke.
Gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em and know when to say "screw it" and play 52 Pick-Up.
I promise to do lots of staggeringly educational things to tip the karmic scales AWAY from "child growing up to be serial-killing Republican".
* Despite this, tonight marked the momentous occasion of my first piece of unsolicited parenting advice in TWO YEARS (there is something to be said for the Russo-kranian "stoic" expression). While I was checking out some photographs, a woman tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Mama... the LIGHTS are too bright for our little EYES!" Excuse me?
1. It's an art gallery. There are bright lights everywhere.
2. In addition to being able to identify numerous polygons and subsist entirely on yogurt and cookies, my child has reached the exciting milestone of "being able to turn head".
3. You fucking whore.
4. I jest, I jest. He also eats grapes (*rimshot*).
So what did I decide to do? Why, take my child to an art exhibition, of course! DUH.
And I'll be god-damned if we didn't have a fantastic time.
J.Q. was amazingly well-behaved*. He rode in his carrier, flirted with graduate students, analyzed art (blue-hued, quasi-Modernist painting of a woman crying: "Mama!" Thanks a pantsload, kid). He only opened his mouth to say adorable, squeaky things.
Oh, and to shove cookies in it.
His dinner? After all of that shrieking and pleading and bib-rending vis a vis the subject of yogurt?
Cookies. Lots. And lots. Of cookies.
And a lick of sauce from a chicken satay skewer.
And sips of diet Coke.
Gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em and know when to say "screw it" and play 52 Pick-Up.
I promise to do lots of staggeringly educational things to tip the karmic scales AWAY from "child growing up to be serial-killing Republican".
* Despite this, tonight marked the momentous occasion of my first piece of unsolicited parenting advice in TWO YEARS (there is something to be said for the Russo-kranian "stoic" expression). While I was checking out some photographs, a woman tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Mama... the LIGHTS are too bright for our little EYES!" Excuse me?
1. It's an art gallery. There are bright lights everywhere.
2. In addition to being able to identify numerous polygons and subsist entirely on yogurt and cookies, my child has reached the exciting milestone of "being able to turn head".
3. You fucking whore.
4. I jest, I jest. He also eats grapes (*rimshot*).
Labels: J.Q. the Sna-que, The Compleat Thumbscrew
posted by thumbscre.ws at
2/10/2007
13 Comments:
I must be naive, I assumed that an ART EXHIBIT would only attract those well-educated enough to not stick their noses in other people's business! Silly me!
Love the "dip-dip". Can I borrow that cuteness for when my DD can eat raw veggies?
Oooooh...that was really your first drive-by? Wow. I used to get a ton of those because I never put shoes on my oldest child's feet until the kid was 16 months old. Sock-feet everywhere. Old ladies practically chased me with quad-canes and torches. I looooved it when they actually said something, though, because then I played my trump card: "Oh, I would put shoes on teh baby, ma'am, but the poor child has a deformed foot, look--"
I was almost sorry to have it fixed.
Sorry about the drive by. Glad JQ enjoyed the cookies and coke, though : )
Re: dip-dip. That term was actually coined by a friend's kid... J.Q. appropriated it. So feel free to re-steal it from me!
Re: drive-bys. Yeah, I'm kind of stunned I dodged that bullet for as long as I did, too. I mean, J.Q. is always comfortable and safe, but I've taken him out encrusted in applesauce, dressed him in a skull-print bandana, let him eat a frozen waffle directly out of the box at Trader Joe's, etc.
WELL?! What did you say to her?!
Even if it wasn't crap disguised as advice, her addressing you as "Mama" was invitation for a good ole' bitch slap.
I'm confused. Was he strapped to a kleig light as some kind of human bat signal?? Was everybody walking around with mining helmets on? Where were you and this nosy-ass woman where the LIGHTS were too bright for our little EYES??
I think J.Q. would make the world's cutest bat signal.
This experience is so instructive on adapting to the Terrible Twos. No one wins in a meltdown--the kid's out of control, the parents are distraught, little old ladies stare stare daggers from the sidelines.
Unless it's a matter of the health or safety of your toddler or a playmate, there's just no point in an extended screaming session with an out-of-control little person. I loved the way the two of you reached a higher ground and side-stepped the original issue.
And I think the way his/her mommy responds to the inevitable Disapproving Old Bat is a good opportunity to illustrate how we can politely, but firmly, deal with an interfering person who happens to be an elder. And believe me, J.Q. is watching closely.
Just something I wanted to share (yay unsolicited advice) that I learned from a day-care provider.
Any combination of 3 food groups is a meal. Any combination of 2 food groups is a snack. This will actually result in a relatively balanced menu. Too pooped to cook/want something you know your kid won't even try? Apples, cheese and crackers are a meal. Add a handful of almonds for a bonus protien hit (chocolate optional). Pancakes, an orange and milk, is a meal!
I offer this not as an intent to critizie your dinner serving, just a criteria that I found highly useful when going through the toddler food-picky phase. Some nights it sure beats cooking.
what a bitch. aren't you only supposed to use the royal "We" when you're being as gracious as royalty?
The SUN is bright. Isn't that why pupils (of all ages!) dilate and contract, like, involuntarily? careful, don't take your baby outside, the sun is bright. Idiot.
First of all, ll, JQ WOULD make the world's cutest bat signal! That totally made my morning. Get my bat-light.
Secondly, to Anonymous- what's missing here is that JQ wants to eat nothing BUT "yogur." There is no yogur in combination with two other things. There is only yogur. And I don't think yogur counts as one of the three food groups in a balanced dinner if breakfast consisted of yogur yogur and yogur, and then lunch consisted of yogur goldfish and yogur.
LOL the only thing my 3 year old daughter eats at the moment is milk, yogur and cheeeeeeze. But I've given up and give it to her. In fact I don't wait for her to refuse other food I just start every meal with one of the three....maybe she will over do it and be off it forever...let's hope anyway.
Ah, but yogur, goldfish crackers and an apple slice WOULD cover the 3 food groups.
I'm just sayin', with toddlers, if you're going to reach for some nutritional standard per meal, best to choose one that is flexible to toddler whimsy.
Some folk's just aim for a balance menu at the end of a given week. Whatever works :-)
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