Oh boy, this is a big leap from lurker to soul baring weirdness. Let's give it a try:

(1) At Age 10: This is not your fault.
At Age 16: Now this, THIS is your fault.
At Age 22: You're not nearly the mess you think you are. If you want to see a mess, wait til 30.
At Age 30: RUN...NOW!

(2) Not sure I'm understanding this one, but I'm pretty sure I'd be looking to buy a grill of some kind.

(3) Geez...I guess I'd pick the serial killer, because I can't think of any dead relatives I'd care to see again, except for the single one that's disqualified from participation because I remain--eight years later--overwhelmingly, crushingly fond of him.

(4) YIKES...one involves being sold into sexual slavery as a young teen to a randy arabian king and the other has something to do with frogs. You figure it out.

(5) Typical? Probably diversion. Maximum? One year.

(6) Without doubt the physical pain, and I'd do it with great love and enthusiasm, because nothing in the physical realm could compare to some of the emotional pain I've lived through (and inflicted, in fairness).

(7) I must be terribly self-centered, because I can't think of a single secret of the modern age that I give two shits about. Maybe where Amelia Earhart crashed and what happened to her body.

(8) I'd go right then, right there. The blessing and curse of loved ones is that they tie us to this life, even when it would be easier to take "the one-way trip in the two-tone Camry" as I've come to think of it (for reasons that I've just about forgotten).

(9) Nay. Not for any fear of it...just indifference. Dead flesh really holds no mystery for me. It's dead, it's just garbage, it probably tastes like chicken.

(10) Nope. I've come to appreciate the crappy memories as much as the good ones because they've been so valuable in figuring out where things went so hopelessly awry (and in finding my way back). God, I hope you don't submit these things to a shrink...I sound like one f--ked up piece of work.

(11) Marriages: Yes. One.
Divorces: Not yet. Watch this space.
Births/adoptions: One birth, and a glorious one at that.
Deaths: No, not personally responsible. But, I've done a lot of letting go that maybe freed up the soon-to-be-departed to take the trip.
Involuntary commitments: No, to my regret.
Relocations of over 1,500 miles: I've done this a couple times.
Ascension to a level of fame/renown/power sufficient to interest/impact more than 10,000 individuals: Not even close.
Change in income level of +/- 50%: Depends on the time frame you're talking about.
Formal adoption/renunciation of religious faith (or other organized belief system): Yep. Did the former, suspect I'm inching toward the latter.

(12) [is this what you mean?] I am most ashamed of I daughter silent. She I everything have never. I fearless, when popular, should fiercely told. She truth worth let. Always.

- EGB

1. You can travel back in time and visit yourself at [select all applicable] 10, 16, 22 and 30. What would you tell your various temporally-disjointed selves (any hokey "buy stock in Microsoft" replies will be taken out back and accused of antitrust violations)?

10 - Go outside and play with your damn friends, they like you, seriously, get over yourself. Just go play Barbies or horsies or whatever crap you really feel like.

16 - Don't lose your virginity to a loser, especially since he's married. Stop sleeping with people, seriously, they would like you for other reasons if you weren't so damn gloomy. Sixteen year olds are stupider than you have any idea. You will hate a part of yourself forever if you don't step back right now. Nice and easy, away from the older adult male who is abusing your stupidity.

20 - Lighten up and take your fucking medication.

22 - Don't go to that company, they will rape your soul and tell you that it's your fault you're sore.

23 - Don't ever go to that psychiatrist, she will nearly kill you and then tell you to keep taking the stuff that put you in the hospital.

2. Analogy Tyme: if your drug of choice was an item which could be purchased at Home Depot for under $150, which one would be be, and why?

A wallpaper steamer. Damn you hate to use it and it burns the living hell out of you, but you gotta get that damn mauve and seafoam green wallpaper out of the bathroom.


3. You can reanimate and spend several hours (say, sharing some Batter-Dipped Choco-Cheesecake Nibblers at the local crap-on-the-walls chain restaurant) with one of the following individuals - which one would you choose, and why?

A randomly-selected serial killer of moderate notoriety would be my choice. I have a sick interest in abnormal psychology and I would want to understand their thinking patten, their reasoning and their after effects. I would probably do this just for the paper I could write.


4. Think of your most esoteric, potentially-humiliating sexual fantasy. Think of another, equally-odd (but completely fabricated) fantasy.

This is hard, my husband and I already do some fucked up shit.

My husband brings home another couple we know and sells my sexual services to them as slave. While engaging in said activity he videotapes me.

I would like to spend one night as a stripper in a high class joint and later take several men for all that they are worth in a threesome with another stripper.

5. What is the typical prison sentence for the most legally-questionable act you've ever committed?

Since I always get caught I can't really think of too much, I could probably spend a night in jail for having sex in a dressing room at the mall.

6. Think of the worst physical pain you've ever experienced (childbirth, ping-pong ball-sized kidney stones, atomic wedgie). Think of the worst emotional pain (depression, divorce, disaster). Think of the person who is closest to you in the world (child, spouse, sibling). You must decide whether they will suffer a comparable degree of physical OR emotional pain. If you choose the former, you will be required to inflict it yourself. If you choose the latter, it will occur without any involvement on your part. Which do you choose?

I would inflict the physical pain. Physical pain goes away in a way that emotional pain does not. Emotional pain scars so deeply in my experience that it also touches everyone that you know and poisons them. It repeats itself in cycles, replicating with the sinister air of HIV. I would rather have my husband or child suffer intense physical pain even if they hated me for it than have them be scarred by something that will take away any of their innocence and belief in other people.

7. You're granted the power to uncover the truth behind one very, very big secret of the modern age - who shot Kennedy? What the hell is the deal with celebrity Scientologists? You will not be permitted to share this knowledge with anyone, ever - it will be solely to satisfy your own curiosity. What do you choose to learn?

I would want free access the the records in the Vatican that are sealed against everyone but the high ranking clerics. I want to know the secrets of the Catholic church.

8. While purchasing some plantains at Tienda Mexicano, you find The Lord. You discover that he is a cruel, arbitrary Lord, as well as one who has read entirely too many "Choose Your Own Adventure" books. He takes you outside, sits you down on the hood of his El Camino, hands you a can of Jugo de Coco and informs you that you will never see any of your current loved ones
again. They will continue to live their lives, just magically sans any awareness of your continued existence. By way of compensation, you'll be allowed to determine your own natural lifespan. You may elect to die instantly, live to 120 or any option in between. What do you choose? Why?

I would choose to live for as long as my mind was sharp and my body could hold out. I would live for the joy that I could take out the world. I believe that we have multiple destinies. It would kill me to never see anyone again, but after you lose so much in life and still manage to succeed, you find out what you are capable of. I am capable of living with a fugue like state. Sometimes I have even wished about it.

9. You are given the opportunity to sample human flesh. Your enjoyment of this unusual entree will not be the result of any amoral acts - the source of your Bruce Burger (Tim Tartare? Francois Filet?) will be an individual who has died of unrelated causes. Your consumption of said flesh will not be as a result of starvation, nor as a condition of some sick wager ("Take a chomp out of Lloyd's thigh and I'll give you season tickets to Six Flags Over Highly Unlikely Transactionville"). Yea or nay?

No, I just think it would be gross. Plus you know, free range humans would be stringy.

10. You are given a Memory Dustbuster. It looks like a regular Dustbuster, circa 1989. However, when held against the human skull, it has the ability to suck out specific memories. Like many small appliances, this one has gotten a bit finicky in its old age. It no longer removes single memories... for each one which is removed, an equal-but-opposite second memory is also vacuumed up. You can suck out a particularly awful recollection... however, you'll also lose a happy memory of comparable intensity, and you have no say in which one it happens to be.

Yes I would use it. There are things that I have done or had done to me that I would wish to extinguish. They color my life. There have been much, much worse things that have happened to other people, but I would want to get rid of all the memories that remind me of how shameful I am. I am a person that feels everything very passionately, very deeply. Unfortunately, this means I judge the hell out of myself. And at 16 and 17 I was stupid, so very, very stupid. I can make more happy memories. I feel that I have more of them than sad memories.


11. The Enormous Glowing Sphere of Influence Equation: how many of the following events have occurred in your life for which you've felt personally responsible? By this, I mean that the event in question would definitely NOT have occurred were it not for one or more conscious decisions on your part. Do NOT include events which were confined strictly to your professional life - thus, lawyers/doctors/matchmakers/executioners/etc. should use their discretion on this one.

- Marriages - Yes, my own
- Divorces - No, although I sure tried with my parents for awhile.
- Births/adoptions - Unfortunately, not personally.
- Deaths - No
- Involuntary commitments (mental institution/rehab/prison) - No, all the times I was in the hospital it was voluntary
- Relocations of over 1,500 miles - No, I did it with my parents.
- Ascension to a level of fame/renown/power sufficient to interest/impact more than 10,000 individuals - I believe we all touch people like this in the things we do knowingly, and unknowingly we reap results, so I would say yes, but then again I am a little bit of a weirdo. Also, I have contributed to the education of many teachers and social workers so you know, degrees of separation.

- Change in income level of +/- 50% - I support my family with my income. I do not like this role but I am damn proud of myself for making it.

- Formal adoption/renunciation of religious faith (or other organized belief system) - Yes, I went back and forth, took up Catholicism for a while and then decided against it. I am currently a Christian who doesn't know what they hell to think because I believe in God and Jesus, but my beliefs line up more with Buddhism. I am a freak without a country, a preacher's kid who has to shut the hell up at family reunions.


12. An exercise in writing, randomness and self-reflection (when commenting/posting, only include item "C"):

A. In exactly 25 words, describe the thing you're proudest of.
B. In exactly 25 words, describe the thing you're most ashamed of.
C. Combine the odd-numbered words from A. with the even-numbered words from B

I got both sentences in 25 words on the first try. Cool! The following is not as impressive.

I be proud I pulling with out for the I, for myself my for and and my myself medication be though by makes married fat.

1. You can travel back in time and visit yourself at [select all applicable] 10, 16, 22 and 30. What would you tell your various temporally-disjointed selves (any hokey "buy stock in Microsoft" replies will be taken out back and accused of antitrust violations)?
At age 10: all that angst you feel? It’s gonna get worse.
At age 16: he’s a JERK! Break up with him now, before you sleep with hi…ah, damn. Too late.
At age 22: get into that lab earlier—it might mean you get out of graduate school before you die

2. Analogy Tyme: if your drug of choice was an item which could be purchased at Home Depot for under $150, which one would be be, and why?
Umm, I’ve never done drugs other than alcohol. Which, happily, is a lot less than $150 and purchased practically anywhere EXCEPT Home Depot. If I were to try any others, it would probably be pot. I’d like to start out gateway.

3. You can reanimate and spend several hours (say, sharing some Batter-Dipped Choco-Cheesecake Nibblers at the local crap-on-the-walls chain restaurant) with one of the following individuals - which one would you choose, and why?

- A deceased relative of whom you were moderately (but not overwhelmingly) fond.
- A randomly-selected serial killer of moderate notoriety.
It depends if the serial killer is going to choose me as his next victim, or if we’re just sharing poppers with sour cream dip

4. Think of your most esoteric, potentially-humiliating sexual fantasy. Think of another, equally-odd (but completely fabricated) fantasy. Describe them both without identifying which is which.
One involves my husband coming into the bedroom with a particularly good looking friend of his while I’m sleeping and the frolicksome good times that ensue when they wake me up. The other involves a party with many scrumptious people, vast quantities of alcohol, and very little clothing.

5. What is the typical prison sentence for the most legally-questionable act you've ever committed?
One year and a thousand dollar fine

6. Think of the worst physical pain you've ever experienced (childbirth, ping-pong ball-sized kidney stones, atomic wedgie). Think of the worst emotional pain (depression, divorce, disaster). Think of the person who is closest to you in the world (child, spouse, sibling). You must decide whether they will suffer a comparable degree of physical OR emotional pain. If you choose the former, you will be required to inflict it yourself. If you choose the latter, it will occur without any involvement on your part. Which do you choose?
Physical—it was probably that sinus infection I had when my son was two and I had a natural childbirth. Trust me, the sinus infection was worse. But it was also gone within two days. Some of the emotional pain from when I was a teen is still with me at 29.

7. You're granted the power to uncover the truth behind one very, very big secret of the modern age - who shot Kennedy? What the hell is the deal with celebrity Scientologists? You will not be permitted to share this knowledge with anyone, ever - it will be solely to satisfy your own curiosity. What do you choose to learn?
Was the vote rigged? Did Al Gore really win in 2000?

8. While purchasing some plantains at Tienda Mexicano, you find The Lord. You discover that he is a cruel, arbitrary Lord, as well as one who has read entirely too many "Choose Your Own Adventure" books. He takes you outside, sits you down on the hood of his El Camino, hands you a can of Jugo de Coco and informs you that you will never see any of your current loved ones again. They will continue to live their lives, just magically sans any awareness of your continued existence. By way of compensation, you'll be allowed to determine your own natural lifespan. You may elect to die instantly, live to 120 or any option in between. What do you choose? Why?
I would want to live to be 101. Maybe I’ll be lucky enough to find love again. If not, I’m not above being a stalker and seeing what happens with my family after I’m not around anymore. Then again, if I died instantly, I could haunt my husband if he ever tried to have sex with another woman. That might be kind of fun. No, I’ll go with 101. I like being alive too much to give it up.

9. You are given the opportunity to sample human flesh. Your enjoyment of this unusual entree will not be the result of any amoral acts - the source of your Bruce Burger (Tim Tartare? Francois Filet?) will be an individual who has died of unrelated causes. Your consumption of said flesh will not be as a result of starvation, nor as a condition of some sick wager ("Take a chomp out of Lloyd's thigh and I'll give you season tickets to Six Flags Over Highly Unlikely Transactionville"). Yea or nay?
Blergh. No thanks.

10. You are given a Memory Dustbuster. It looks like a regular Dustbuster, circa 1989. However, when held against the human skull, it has the ability to suck out specific memories. Like many small appliances, this one has gotten a bit finicky in its old age. It no longer removes single memories... for each one which is removed, an equal-but-opposite second memory is also vacuumed up. You can suck out a particularly awful recollection... however, you'll also lose a happy memory of comparable intensity, and you have no say in which one it happens to be.

Do you use this device? How many times?
No. Even the awful memories aren’t bad enough to risk losing one of the really good ones.

11. The Enormous Glowing Sphere of Influence Equation: how many of the following events have occurred in your life for which you've felt personally responsible? By this, I mean that the event in question would definitely NOT have occurred were it not for one or more conscious decisions on your part. Do NOT include events which were confined strictly to your professional life - thus, lawyers/doctors/matchmakers/executioners/etc. should use their discretion on this one.

- Marriages: one
- Divorces: none
- Births/adoptions: one and a half (hopefully the adoption will be done this year)
- Deaths: none
- Involuntary commitments (mental institution/rehab/prison): none
- Relocations of over 1,500 miles: none
- Ascension to a level of fame/renown/power sufficient to interest/impact more than 10,000 individuals: none
- Change in income level of +/- 50%: two
- Formal adoption/renunciation of religious faith (or other organized belief system): one

12. An exercise in writing, randomness and self-reflection (when commenting/posting, only include item "C"):

A. In exactly 25 words, describe the thing you're proudest of.
I managed to have a natural childbirth AND finish a Ph.D. I really can’t choose between the two since they are both meaningful to me.
B. In exactly 25 words, describe the thing you're most ashamed of.
I wish I hadn’t cheated on my husband with another guy while we were dating in college. He still hurts from it to this day.
C. Combine the odd-numbered words from A. with the even-numbered words from B : 26

I think it says something about us lurkers who come out for something as potentially soul-bearing as this. Right? Here goes!

1. You can travel back in time and visit yourself at [select all applicable] 10, 16, 22 and 30. What would you tell your various temporally-disjointed selves?

10 - Don't worry about having express knowledge of shaving legs, pop music, or guy parts. Just enjoy your books, ballet, and classical music. There's plenty of time for the rest of that stuff later.

16 - You look fine! Just have fun and enjoy the lack of responsibilities.

22 - Guys who treat you like shit, ignore you, and tell you that they don't really know if they love you but would like to have their cake and eat it to should be banished from your life post haste. Banished!

2. Analogy Tyme: if your drug of choice was an item which could be purchased at Home Depot for under $150, which one would be be, and why?

Umm, everyone is answering this one weirdly, so I'm not sure I get the question anymore. I'm going to go with my original impulses and see the words "drug of choice" "could be purchased at Home Depot" and say weed. And lots of it. Although, I guess I wouldn't really have to stockpile anymore if I can just run over and pick some up along with grout.

3. You can reanimate and spend several hours (say, sharing some Batter-Dipped Choco-Cheesecake Nibblers at the local crap-on-the-walls chain restaurant) with one of the following individuals - which one would you choose, and why?

- A deceased relative of whom you were moderately (but not overwhelmingly) fond.
- A randomly-selected serial killer of moderate notoriety.

I guess I'd choose my uncle who died a few years ago. I'm interested to hear just what drove him to such extreme depths. Plus, serial killers totally freak me out to no end.

4. Think of your most esoteric, potentially-humiliating sexual fantasy. Think of another, equally-odd (but completely fabricated) fantasy. Describe them both without identifying which is which.

I'm sitting in a service of some type (church, funeral, symposium) and, feeling an inexpressible urge, I stand up and begin yelling whatever comes to mind and throwing anything I can get my hands on.

I'm sitting with my brother and his wife, having a nice dinner, when one of my brother's friends walks into the restaurant, sees us, grabs me, and proceeds to force himself upon me as I resist, pretend to resist...and eventually give in.

5. What is the typical prison sentence for the most legally-questionable act you've ever committed?

15-18 months.

6. Think of the worst physical pain you've ever experienced (childbirth, ping-pong ball-sized kidney stones, atomic wedgie). Think of the worst emotional pain (depression, divorce, disaster). Think of the person who is closest to you in the world (child, spouse, sibling). You must decide whether they will suffer a comparable degree of physical OR emotional pain. If you choose the former, you will be required to inflict it yourself. If you choose the latter, it will occur without any involvement on your part. Which do you choose?

Physical, for sure. Eventually, all pain has a breaking point. But physical's is MUCH much sooner.

7. You're granted the power to uncover the truth behind one very, very big secret of the modern age - who shot Kennedy? What the hell is the deal with celebrity Scientologists? You will not be permitted to share this knowledge with anyone, ever - it will be solely to satisfy your own curiosity. What do you choose to learn?

Is global warming real, or completely and totally fabricated by Al Gore and his ilk?

8. While purchasing some plantains at Tienda Mexicano, you find The Lord. You discover that he is a cruel, arbitrary Lord, as well as one who has read entirely too many "Choose Your Own Adventure" books. He takes you outside, sits you down on the hood of his El Camino, hands you a can of Jugo de Coco and informs you that you will never see any of your current loved ones
again. They will continue to live their lives, just magically sans any awareness of your continued existence. By way of compensation, you'll be allowed to determine your own natural lifespan. You may elect to die instantly, live to 120 or any option in between. What do you choose? Why?

Tough. Normally I would say I would die, but I've apparently just found out that the Lord is not nice, and therefore Heaven might not be as nice as I was expecting. In this case, I'd make sure my soon-to-be-banished loved ones would go along HAPPY, and not missing me, and then I'd just choose to die at the age of 97. As long as I could get a guarantee of good health up until that point.

9. You are given the opportunity to sample human flesh. Your enjoyment of this unusual entree will not be the result of any amoral acts - the source of your Bruce Burger (Tim Tartare? Francois Filet?) will be an individual who has died of unrelated causes. Your consumption of said flesh will not be as a result of starvation, nor as a condition of some sick wager ("Take a chomp out of Lloyd's thigh and I'll give you season tickets to Six Flags Over Highly Unlikely Transactionville"). Yea or nay?

Yea, and then I'd chicken out.

10. You are given a Memory Dustbuster. It looks like a regular Dustbuster, circa 1989. However, when held against the human skull, it has the ability to suck out specific memories. Like many small appliances, this one has gotten a bit finicky in its old age. It no longer removes single memories... for each one which is removed, an equal-but-opposite second memory is also vacuumed up. You can suck out a particularly awful recollection... however, you'll also lose a happy memory of comparable intensity, and you have no say in which one it happens to be.

Do you use this device? How many times?

Nope. I can reconstruct my memories pretty well on my own, thanks.

11. The Enormous Glowing Sphere of Influence Equation: how many of the following events have occurred in your life for which you've felt personally responsible? By this, I mean that the event in question would definitely NOT have occurred were it not for one or more conscious decisions on your part. Do NOT include events which were confined strictly to your professional life - thus, lawyers/doctors/matchmakers/executioners/etc. should use their discretion on this one.

- Marriages - 1
- Divorces - 0
- Births/adoptions - 0
- Deaths - 0
- Involuntary commitments (mental institution/rehab/prison) - 0, I think. There is a certain ex by the name of Joe Smith (yes, his real name!) who may or may not make this number 1 if his family has any sense.
- Relocations of over 1,500 miles - 2
- Ascension to a level of fame/renown/power sufficient to interest/impact more than 10,000 individuals - 1
- Change in income level of +/- 50% - 2
- Formal adoption/renunciation of religious faith (or other organized belief system) - none. I'm nothing if not loyal.

12. An exercise in writing, randomness and self-reflection (when commenting/posting, only include item "C"):

A. In exactly 25 words, describe the thing you're proudest of.
B. In exactly 25 words, describe the thing you're most ashamed of.
C. Combine the odd-numbered words from A. with the even-numbered words from B

I most give of during telling worst husband of wasn't including virgin extreme we losing married jobs bad trying lack build guilt never losing house.

Alas, I don't have time to answer this but MOST BRILLIANT INTERVIEW QUESTIONS EVER. I especially heart #5.

1. Time Travel:
16: Seriously, don't sleep with him. Him either. Listen, just wait until college. You will not be the only virgin there, I swear!
22: Get out of that job NOW, kiddo! Also: don't buy the expensive treadmill. Seriously, you won't use it, and you'll just pay a shit ton to move it every time you move. Also: quit smoking, asshat.
30: Take the summer off and travel. This is the last year you'll haev money. Ever.

2. Analogy Tyme: if your drug of choice was an item which could be purchased at Home Depot for under $150, which one would be be, and why?

A black-and-decker sawzall. Because it sawz all.

3. You can reanimate and spend several hours (say, sharing some Batter-Dipped Choco-Cheesecake Nibblers at the local crap-on-the-walls chain restaurant) with one of the following individuals - which one would you choose, and why?

- A deceased relative of whom you were moderately (but not overwhelmingly) fond.

Relative. Although, knock wood, I don't really have any deceased ones yet. Small family. I do, however, have some that I kind of wish were.

4. Think of your most esoteric, potentially-humiliating sexual fantasy. Think of another, equally-odd (but completely fabricated) fantasy. Describe them both without identifying which is which.

I wake up and have morning sex with my husband only to realize it isn't my husband, but his friend, who has, unbeknownst to me, slept the night in our bed between us.

My husband sells my sexual services to a (female) friend. And then leaves.

5. What is the typical prison sentence for the most legally-questionable act you've ever committed?

Depends on whether it's a first offense, of course, but I don't believe it's more than a year or two for a first.

6. Think of the worst physical pain you've ever experienced (childbirth, ping-pong ball-sized kidney stones, atomic wedgie). Think of the worst emotional pain (depression, divorce, disaster). Think of the person who is closest to you in the world (child, spouse, sibling). You must decide whether they will suffer a comparable degree of physical OR emotional pain. If you choose the former, you will be required to inflict it yourself. If you choose the latter, it will occur without any involvement on your part. Which do you choose?

Physical pain, as long as it doesn't come with the emotional side car. (my most painful experience was a late miscarriage, which hurt like a motherfucker but has had emotional resonance that has lasted much longer, and much deeper, than the original owie)

7. You're granted the power to uncover the truth behind one very, very big secret of the modern age - who shot Kennedy? What the hell is the deal with celebrity Scientologists? You will not be permitted to share this knowledge with anyone, ever - it will be solely to satisfy your own curiosity. What do you choose to learn?

WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THE MASONS?

8. While purchasing some plantains at Tienda Mexicano, you find The Lord. You discover that he is a cruel, arbitrary Lord, as well as one who has read entirely too many "Choose Your Own Adventure" books. He takes you outside, sits you down on the hood of his El Camino, hands you a can of Jugo de Coco and informs you that you will never see any of your current loved ones
again. They will continue to live their lives, just magically sans any awareness of your continued existence. By way of compensation, you'll be allowed to determine your own natural lifespan. You may elect to die instantly, live to 120 or any option in between. What do you choose? Why?

I'd live to whatever-the-hell. Are you kidding? I love chances to start over. That's why I do it so much.

9. You are given the opportunity to sample human flesh. Your enjoyment of this unusual entree will not be the result of any amoral acts - the source of your Bruce Burger (Tim Tartare? Francois Filet?) will be an individual who has died of unrelated causes. Your consumption of said flesh will not be as a result of starvation, nor as a condition of some sick wager ("Take a chomp out of Lloyd's thigh and I'll give you season tickets to Six Flags Over Highly Unlikely Transactionville"). Yea or nay?

Nay. I don't need to know that I know what human flesh tastes like.

10. You are given a Memory Dustbuster. It looks like a regular Dustbuster, circa 1989. However, when held against the human skull, it has the ability to suck out specific memories. Like many small appliances, this one has gotten a bit finicky in its old age. It no longer removes single memories... for each one which is removed, an equal-but-opposite second memory is also vacuumed up. You can suck out a particularly awful recollection... however, you'll also lose a happy memory of comparable intensity, and you have no say in which one it happens to be.

Do you use this device? How many times?

Twice. I don't think I have anything of equal happy to suck out, so either way, I come out ahead.

11. The Enormous Glowing Sphere of Influence Equation: how many of the following events have occurred in your life for which you've felt personally responsible? By this, I mean that the event in question would definitely NOT have occurred were it not for one or more conscious decisions on your part. Do NOT include events which were confined strictly to your professional life - thus, lawyers/doctors/matchmakers/executioners/etc. should use their discretion on this one.

- Marriages
- Divorces
- Births/adoptions
- Deaths
- Involuntary commitments (mental institution/rehab/prison)
- Relocations of over 1,500 miles
- Ascension to a level of fame/renown/power sufficient to interest/impact more than 10,000 individuals
- Change in income level of +/- 50%
- Formal adoption/renunciation of religious faith (or other organized belief system)

God, other than my own income dropping more than 50%, I don't think I've done anything more than get people to relocate to the pacific northwest out of the midwest.

12. An exercise in writing, randomness and self-reflection (when commenting/posting, only include item "C"):

A. In exactly 25 words, describe the thing you're proudest of.

B. In exactly 25 words, describe the thing you're most ashamed of.

C. Combine the odd-numbered words from A. with the even-numbered words from B

I have up really lucrative choice soulless respect and sex tracks hate now some work the and I've happier to am myself high devalue teacher.

Maybe some of us already found out who shot Kennedy over a meal of human liver.

Maybe.

I'm just sayin'.

I answered over at my place.

1. 10 - Yes, you will still like me when i turn 20.
16 - Don't do that! Or, at least, don't do it in the back of the car while his mom's driving.
22 - It will get better - soon.

2. Spray paint. Oh, the possibilities!

3. The relative. I have a big family and there are some people I wish I'd spent more time with. I have no interest in serial killers.

4. I get kidnapped during a trip to an exotic country and sold for the local ruler's harem.

I am a salesperson for sex toys and demonstrate the mechandise to rich bored housewives.

5. 3-5, a large fine and extradition.

6. I could not brignmyself to inflict physical pain on anyone, especially soemone close. On the other hand, emotional pain comes one's way sooner or later, in some way or another.

7. Again, masons.

8. Live, to the point where I'm sound in body and mind. Knowing that my loved ones won't mourn for me, I could start over.

9. No, thanks. I'm really not that interested in how human flesh tastes, it's just meat.

10. Again, no, thank you. I've gotten over the bad stuff to the degree where i can live with it, and i like the good stuff too much to lose it.

11. 2 marriages, 1 divorce, 1 relocation, all mine

12. underwent I year myself training bullied at end a jumped of an morons with didn’t parachute the times to was tell at shit die

Mine are here:
http://redmeg8.typepad.com/meganderings

(found you via DoctorMama)

Posted my answers @:

http://hardtobehuman.blogspot.com/2007/04/ask-and-you-shall-receive.html

Thanks, Jul! That was fun...and disturbing, but still fun.

P.S. Thanks for this.

1. 10--Quit worrying about what everyone thinks.
16--Drop the music lessons, and stay in sports. You're burned out with lessons, you're just doing it because you think you have to, and the sports will serve you better in the future.
22--Don't be a pussy, apply to the hard school.
30--Figure out who your friends are this year, you'll need them soon.

2. A ceiling fan. The sound is so soothing.

3. Deceased relative, my grandmother. She was a tough lady to take, but really interesting to talk to. I think that being dead would change her perspective.

4. They're complete opposites, I'll say that much.

5. License suspension and a fine.

6. This question makes me sick to my stomach to think about, but I hope that I would be brave enough to choose administer the physical pain and take the emotional pain myself (assuming that the physical pain would not have any lasting physical or emotional repercussions).

7. I'd probably choose something minor--like the recipe for Twinkies. Wondering about the big secrets is the fun part. Knowing would ruin it.

On second thought, I'd really like to know what is happening on Lost. I'll take that.

8. Choose 120 with the hope that there's a catch, a la "Heart and Souls" or "Just Like Heaven."

9. nay. Knowing how human flesh tastes would be a huge disappointment. I'd rather not know and wonder.

10. Once.

11. 1-marriage
0-divorces
1-birth/adoption
0-human deaths, but are we counting non-humans and food sources? Too numerous to count then.
0-involunatry commitments
2-relocations of over 1,500 miles
0-ascension
3-change in income
0-religious faith

12. I am the ashamed proud I my my degree I is not most he long-term loves still I’ve don’t and to amazed I with it.

1. 10- Don’t shave your legs just because that kid in your class told you they were hairy.

16-It’s okay to sleep with him. He really loves you. Just don’t break his fucking heart.

22-DO NOT MARRY THE COWBOY.

30-This one’s a keeper. If he proposes, say yes.

2. Anything in the garden center. Little is more therapeutic to me than working in the yard.

3. I’d share my spinach and artichoke dip with a cousin I lost about 16 years ago. I’d love to find out what she’s been up to, learn what REALLY caused the accident and let her know how special her mother is.

4. I’m in a meeting and what’s-his-name is sitting next to me and drops his pen. He disappears under the conference table for about 15 minutes and proceeds to deliver the best oral sex this side of the Mississippi.

My best friend and I are on a girls beach trip with a small group. She and I end up sharing a room (and a joint) and the antics that ensue leave what’s-his-name in the dust.

5. One year and a hefty fine.

6. Definitely physical. I could walk someone dear to me through any type of physical pain, but knowingly allow someone I love to learn that their child has cancer? Not so much.

7. How many licks DOES it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

8. I’d live to 120, or until I felt like I’d learned and loved as best I could in this life. Then I’d get really excited about what lessons/love awaited me, and hope like hell I’d run into my loved ones again in the next go ‘round.

9. No thanks. Silence of the Lambs freaks me the fuck out.

10. I don’t use it. I've grown just as much from the experiences of horrible memories as truly wonderful ones. I wouldn’t trade either one. Ever.

11. One marrige, one divorce, two births, one involuntary rehab and two renunciations of religious faith.

12. I I most others of the own worth worth worked only on years so can years say it I me in long and call it.

Here we go...
1: At 10, do whatever you'd like... you won't know any of these people in 3 years anyway, so have more fun. And what's with thinking that I'll look like the Brawny guy when you're 30 anyway?
At 16, *seriously* lighten up. Your parents are wrong and some of the stuff you think doesn't matter, does, and some that you think does, doesn't. Go ahead and leave your frikkin' room. You won't know any of these people in 2 years anyway. Grope away, pal.
At 22, I know you're broke, but live life a little... take a few more chances... but not *that* chance. Stay well away from her, she's far crazier than she seems.
At 30, Well done... you don't know what you're doing, but you are apparently doing it well...

2. A jaccuzzi tub, because it makes you all relaxed and bubbly and feels good and you can just float for a bit... though that breaks the under $150 rule. So a home spa, or acetone. Because acetone cuts throught he harsh colors, cleans up the sloppy edges, and when mixed with water and oil-based paint, you can see the pretty colors swirl...

3. Probably my grandfather, because it's been far too long since I've seen him, and I have nothing but contempt for serial killers.

4. An incredibly attractive woman walks in on me masturbating, but before I can stop and cover up, she stops me and takes over, compelled to immediately throw herself at me.

I wake up bound and blindfolded and I can't move. There's a woman in the room who then proceeds to use me in every way she can imagine, in every orifice, and I can hear that she sometimes brings other people into the room to watch and participate. I finally pass out after several hours of stimulation and recovery. When I wake up I'm alone in my room like nothing happened.

5. Probably a year and/or a hefty fine, though I never looked into it.

6. I would probably have the emotional pain inflicted because 1) I usually manage to deal with emotional pain fairly well, so it shouldn't be too bad 2) most likely the bad stuff will come anyway and 3) I can at least try to help them get through the emotional pain -- it's what I'm good at.

7. Is all of life really just personal constructs, interpretations, and self-generated illusions?

8. I'd choose to live to be 120. If those I care about are happy, then I don't have to worry about them, and I'd be free to start again somewhere else. In fact, I'd try to convince the Good Lord to provide a similar restart every 20 years or so, if I could be assured that I'd remain in good health and free of financial problems.

9. Sure. People eat bone marrow, calves' brains, and intestines, fer chrissakes. I'd try it, though I may chicken out.

10. I'd probably use it, but only once or twice and only for those minor embarassing things I did growing up. Those moments that randomly pop up out of nowhere 12 years later that still make you feel like an ass. Nothing major, though.

11. Marriages: 1, Divorces: 0 (though ended relationships, at least 2), Births/Adoptions: 0, Deaths: 0, Commitments: 0, Relocations: 2 (me), 1 (followed by girlfriend); Ascensions: 0; Religous adoptions/renunciations: 1, though I enjoy making others question their beliefs.

12. Despite ashamed that what on desire my to I and manage it be me likable the with that family compels I'm to for despite life.

Hey 'screw. So glad to have found you, as my life is starting to meander toward your path. I'll give it a stab at the 'screw interview.

1. At 10, I'd say "everyone else is as unsure of themselves as you" at 16, "you ARE good enough for whatever boyfriend you want" at 22 "don't be so grown up!" and at 30 "damnit, just be happy".

2. Organizers - closet organizers, shoe organizers, garage organizers, oh! the organization I can imagine...

3. The relative for sure - serial killers creap me out.

4. My mojo is so dim, I can't even think of two fantasies. God, I suck. Add to to-do list: create sexual fantasies.

5. Blah blah girl again here - *maybe* a few days in jail - that's about it.

6. OMG. This is the worst situation in the world to consider, but I think I'd have to take emotional pain that I don't inflict. Even the most hurtful emotional pain can be healing on some level. Physical pain is easier to get over, but never if inflicted by the one you love. Emotional all the way.

7. To exactly what extent is the politial world in bed with the oil industry. Although I'm not sure I could keep this a secret if I found out.

8. Am I stuck with this dude? If so, I'd die instantly. But if I had free choice of my destiny from there, I'd want to live for as long as I could be independent - whatever number that worked out to be.

9. Ney. I'm a vegetarian.

10. Oh, this is so Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Nope, I'm not erasing any of my memories - good or bad.

11. Five

12. I am proudest of be my independent feelings who myself can and care that herself was child when who certainly a not head far her long.

Now #12 is about the most fucked up thing I've ever done!

So, are you gonna do it? Are ya, are ya?

1) 10: Don't believe in him. He's an absolute liar.
16: I promise you'll it'll get better in two years.
22: You've got a year there at best, unless you become a genius.
30: I'm not thirty yet. Who the hell are you?

2) It would be a riding lawnmower, because I want to drive it down I-95. Uh.. what about drugs again?

3) I'd talk to the Zodiac killer to figure out how he got away with everything. Dude is slick.

4)
A. Marathon sex.
B. Marathon anal sex.

5) 5-10, and it's something everybody does, so screw you for judging me Mister...Judge.

6) The physical pain on my mother, with the condition that it's just pain and not the actual act. She's got some weak bones, that lady. I don't want to actually break them.

7)I know it's not exactly modern, but I have always wondered what happened on Roanoke Island. I'd want a play-by-play though, because whatever happened had to be AWESOME.

8) The full 120. As creepy or inhuman as it may sound, I don't mind outliving my friends and family if it means getting to see just how the world turns out for as long as I can. I want to know how i t all ends, damn it.

9) Nay. Human beings are pretty goddamn filthy.

10) While there are some minor memories I could do without, my real problem is that I don't want to risk the good ones.

11)
-Marriages: 0 (It may or may not go up! I don't see it going up any time soon.)
-Divorces: 0 (See marriages, but moreso.)
- Births/Adoptions (0, see Divorces, but moreso.)
-Deaths: 0 (I'm clearly not trying hard enough.)
-Involuntary Commitments: 0 (My powers don't extend to spawning insanity, though I wish they did. They mostly cover the realm of jokes.)
-Relocations of over 1,500 miles 0 (I hope.)
-Ascension to a level of fame/power/renown sufficient to interest/impact more than 10,000 individuals.: 0 (I can barely interest/impact myself.)
-Change in income level of +/- 50%: 6(if you count quitting/being let go/getting jobs.)

12.
C) I'm a proud between the physical that and was I to that a a job later what same went that school me, and so proving about myself only I'm to as crushing as and had feelings believed self-worth out me water a far my go, a source shame me I pass a, look it, wonder I that myself.