Half Jewish and Wholly Dumb
[Note: there is still time to complete The 'Screw Interview. Um, all the time in the world, actually. It ain't goin' nowhere. Just DO IT, goddamn it! I was hoping to get at least ONE affirmative response to the cannibalism question!]
I am imperceptive at best, oblivious at worst. To-do lists, fantasies, 80's song lyrics and muffin recipes flit around my head like fairies from the Magical Kingdom of Cluelessness. I walk into signs. I fall up stairs. Informed of an imminent natural disaster, I'd probably chirp, "ROCK YOOOOOU LIKE A HURRICANE! Oh. Um, better nail up some plywood, then."
Today may very well have taken the cake, though.
I stayed inside all day, diligently studying for an upcoming round of standardized testing goodness. As the sun set, I grew weary of psychology. I believe my exact words were something along the lines of "Oh, go sit and spin on your goddamned hierarchy of needs, Maslow!"
Thus, I hopped into the DecrepiCivic and zoomed off towards the Big Box-intensive side of town. Arriving at Best Buy, I was dismayed to find it closed. My disappointment mounted as I drove past IKEA, Target and Wal-Mart... all closed.
Driving back home, it finally hit me: "Oh, yeah. Easter. Thaaaaat thing." This despite the fact that my son spent yesterday consuming naught but Cadbury eggs (and transforming into a fondant-slathered little demon incapable of uttering anything beyond, "More chockit, WIGHT NOW!"). And the trip to mom's house... and the pastel decorations... and the large hunk of pineapple-studded swine on the table... it all made sense!
Ashamed at my own idiocy (and saddened that I would be unable to scratch my consumerist itch), I spent the ride home devising Easter-themed sales promotions, in order that stores might actually remain open on this intensely-holy day.
"Our Savior is risen... and so is the new Bacon-Cheddar baguette, only at Panera!"
"Christ busted out of the cave, and Southside Hyundai is BUSTING OUT THE SAVINGS!" *
I hope the Easter bunny isn't a vengeful holiday icon... if so, I'm getting a basket full of rabbit pellets next year.
* Credit for this must go to the illustrious Priscilla, preparer of world-class Easter baskets and beauteous blasphemy.
I am imperceptive at best, oblivious at worst. To-do lists, fantasies, 80's song lyrics and muffin recipes flit around my head like fairies from the Magical Kingdom of Cluelessness. I walk into signs. I fall up stairs. Informed of an imminent natural disaster, I'd probably chirp, "ROCK YOOOOOU LIKE A HURRICANE! Oh. Um, better nail up some plywood, then."
Today may very well have taken the cake, though.
I stayed inside all day, diligently studying for an upcoming round of standardized testing goodness. As the sun set, I grew weary of psychology. I believe my exact words were something along the lines of "Oh, go sit and spin on your goddamned hierarchy of needs, Maslow!"
Thus, I hopped into the DecrepiCivic and zoomed off towards the Big Box-intensive side of town. Arriving at Best Buy, I was dismayed to find it closed. My disappointment mounted as I drove past IKEA, Target and Wal-Mart... all closed.
Driving back home, it finally hit me: "Oh, yeah. Easter. Thaaaaat thing." This despite the fact that my son spent yesterday consuming naught but Cadbury eggs (and transforming into a fondant-slathered little demon incapable of uttering anything beyond, "More chockit, WIGHT NOW!"). And the trip to mom's house... and the pastel decorations... and the large hunk of pineapple-studded swine on the table... it all made sense!
Ashamed at my own idiocy (and saddened that I would be unable to scratch my consumerist itch), I spent the ride home devising Easter-themed sales promotions, in order that stores might actually remain open on this intensely-holy day.
"Our Savior is risen... and so is the new Bacon-Cheddar baguette, only at Panera!"
"Christ busted out of the cave, and Southside Hyundai is BUSTING OUT THE SAVINGS!" *
I hope the Easter bunny isn't a vengeful holiday icon... if so, I'm getting a basket full of rabbit pellets next year.
* Credit for this must go to the illustrious Priscilla, preparer of world-class Easter baskets and beauteous blasphemy.
Labels: J.Q. the Sna-que, The Compleat Thumbscrew
posted by thumbscre.ws at
4/08/2007
5 Comments:
The whole everything is closed for Easter thing really burned us yesterday in our first day in a new place, on the other side of the world than we lived. Damned "closed so employees can spend time with their families" crap!
During my first Passover with my now husband (who is not Jewish), he and his sister ate my only box of Matzo that was supposed to last me the whole weekend I was staying with them (he lived with his sister at the time). They loved it so much that my SIL suggested it be marketed to goyim (non-Jews) and we spent time thinking of great combos:
New sour cream and chive matzo!
Nacho!
BBQ pork
Pepperoni pizza
Dee-licious!
Cannibalism: No. Nonononononononononono.
Sorry.
However, my husband and I like to make up absurdist bumper stickers. One of our all time favorites:
I'm a cannibal. And I vote!
Hee, psychology joke.
I intend to finish your quiz... eventually. But YES to cannibalism. Why not, really? I mean, I've dissected a human, and we look enough like steak on the inside. What was that movie with Jamie Lee Curtis again? Oh, right.
Anyway. Maybe I'd chicken out at the last minute, but... well, it'd be great to be able to say you'd done it.
I also forgot about Easter (I'm Jewish) until Saturday night, when I jogged past a surprisingly-active church and said "Whuh?" Now I'm just waiting for Passover to end so I can snag me some sale Easter candy. Mmmm, chockwit.
But...but...are Jewish cannibals bound by any dietary restrictions? Does redneck/bigot human flesh equate to swine flesh? Actually, is it ever acceptable to munch on the goyim (as in shiksa-kabobs)? And is a hot corned boy special always washed down with a non-dairy beverage? Would one buy "calimari" from a mohel?
TAKE IT AWAY, GIRLS!!! WHEEEEEE!
Okay, I am in love with the phrase "shiksa-kabob."
And mohel calimari... oh, that image. I might, in fact, decline human flesh after all.
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