[Inspired by Sistah Cupcake's "Things I Don't Believe In" series.
Please note that these are MY OWN PERSONAL beliefs; I did not pick them up bed-in-a-bag style at Target, nor do I feel they apply to anyone but me. If you wish to adopt any of them, go right ahead. They've served me well and are unlikely to take a whiz on the carpet of your existence.]
1. Tide. More importantly, I believe that my decision to begin purchasing Tide (rather than Wash-U-Cheep or Archer Farms Brand "Vaguely Mountainous" Scented Anionic Surfactant) was a triumph of self-love. No, not THAT kind of self-love. That would sting.
"It's two dollars less than Tide," I thought, taking a deep, DNA-mutating whiff before returning the jug of generi-tergent to the shelf. "But… but Tide makes everything smell all nice and Tide-y. All my clothes, my sheets, my towels… I'm going to be enveloped in this scent for the next month, easily. Isn't my olfactory satisfaction worth two bucks?"
I could hear my ancestors plotzing from beyond the grave. I didn't care. I tossed my Tide in the cart and never looked back.
2. Using baby wipes in lieu of T.P. If you stepped in poop, you'd probably want something a bit more robust than a paper towel to clean up the mess, no? Why should your nether aperture be held to a lower standard of cleanliness? And don't try telling me that "it doesn't get THAT dirty down there, Jul!" You're not a goddamned gazelle, capable of popping out dainty, self-contained pellets while gallivanting on the savanna. If you've ever SEEN a FunYun - let alone allowed one to enter your digestive system- you need baby wipes.
3. Tongue cleaning. Bend a credit card so that the short sides have the approximate curvature of a Pringle. Hold it at a 45-degree angle to your tongue. Then... uh... well... lick. Hard. It's not a brute-force scraping so much as an impassioned oral tango between you and your expired American Express. After a few hearty swipes, your tongue will be cleaner, your breath will be fresher and everything from coconut sorbet to French kissing to yodeling along with "Freebird" will be a little sweeter.
4. Each of my actions can be categorized as positive, negative or neutral. Each type of action affects the overall "charge" of the universe (albeit on a ridiculously infinitesimal level). Whenever possible, I need to make a conscientious effort not to release any particles of negativity into the current. Even the tiniest actions' impact should be considered. The tiniest actions are, in a way, the most important – if you're committed to living your life a certain way, you do so at all times… not just times of great significance or while others are watching.
If I drop a straw wrapper, I pick it up. Otherwise, I would be placing the burden of doing so on someone else. I'm far from perfect, and so I shall remain. I won't pick up everything I drop. But the day I stop trying – the day I stop examining my own deeds, stop evaluating what "good" means and how I can work towards it – is the day I cease being a person and start being a vacant shell.
5. Odd number are better (for no particular reason).
6. Manual transmissions are better (they make crappy less crappy and good cars more fun).
7. When consuming fast food, plastic utensils are better. Soft, bendy, pthalate-packed plastic is best.
8. I never want any of my opinions on hot-button social issues to be simple enough to sum up on a bumper sticker. "IF THIS CIVIC'S A-CREAKIN', DON'T COME A-PEEKIN'", however? Genius!
9. When I die, I will go back to the earth. The matter which comprised "Jul" will assume other forms. Death is not an ending... death is a bend in the Moebius strip of existence.
If my family can be said to possess a belief system, this is it. This is how we were raised. Whenever a pet died, it didn't "go to heaven"... it went back to the earth, nourished other life forms and began a new part of the cycle.
This was no less comforting (and a great deal more plausible) than the concept of heaven. Thanks, ma!
4. Each of my actions can be categorized as positive, negative or neutral. Each type of action affects the overall "charge" of the universe (albeit on a ridiculously infinitesimal level). Whenever possible, I need to make a conscientious effort not to release any particles of negativity into the current. Even the tiniest actions' impact should be considered. The tiniest actions are, in a way, the most important – if you're committed to living your life a certain way, you do so at all times… not just times of great significance or while others are watching.
If I drop a straw wrapper, I pick it up. Otherwise, I would be placing the burden of doing so on someone else. I'm far from perfect, and so I shall remain. I won't pick up everything I drop. But the day I stop trying – the day I stop examining my own deeds, stop evaluating what "good" means and how I can work towards it – is the day I cease being a person and start being a vacant shell.
5. Odd number are better (for no particular reason).
6. Manual transmissions are better (they make crappy less crappy and good cars more fun).
7. When consuming fast food, plastic utensils are better. Soft, bendy, pthalate-packed plastic is best.
8. I never want any of my opinions on hot-button social issues to be simple enough to sum up on a bumper sticker. "IF THIS CIVIC'S A-CREAKIN', DON'T COME A-PEEKIN'", however? Genius!
9. When I die, I will go back to the earth. The matter which comprised "Jul" will assume other forms. Death is not an ending... death is a bend in the Moebius strip of existence.
If my family can be said to possess a belief system, this is it. This is how we were raised. Whenever a pet died, it didn't "go to heaven"... it went back to the earth, nourished other life forms and began a new part of the cycle.
This was no less comforting (and a great deal more plausible) than the concept of heaven. Thanks, ma!
T.B.C. ...
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Caustic Cupcake, at 9/14/2007 10:52 PM 