Test #1: Dissection - Intended to determine the physical composition and sturdiness of each product.
O.B.:It took an Xacto knife, a serrated bread knife and a pair of poultry shears to crack this bad boy open. Upon doing so, this tampon's quality and careful design were evident: rather that being composed of loosely-scrunched cotton, the O.B. consists of three concentric cylinders of densely packed, vertically-crimped cotton. If I ever sustain a sucking chest wound in Aisle 3 of Walgreen's, I know which box I'M staggering towards. Playtex: Unfortunately, the latter 'pon didn't fare nearly so well. It split into two fluffy halves with a minimum of manual pressure; poultry shears were neccessary only to complete the separation. The two halves readily shredded into loose, fluffy fibers of cotton.
The Verdict: It's O.B. all the way. Uh... to a position of victory, smartass.
Test #2: Absorbency - Intended to determine the amount of fluid each product can absorb; dueling tampon commercials are always touting this particular virtue. "The LEADING product can only absorb as much a regulation-sized swimming pool... isn't it time you demanded MORE from your tampon? New Gore-pax Ultra-Mega can absorb the entire volume of water contained in the Hoover Dam!"
Two mugs were filled with an equal volume of water. A Sharpie dot was applied at the water line. A tampon was inserted and removed from each mug, and the distance from the new water line to the Sharpied dot was measured. Er, eyeballed... I couldn't find a ruler.

The stage was set for an early upset when the Playtex's water line was a full 50% lower than the O.B.'s. However, a more-precise measurement of the amount of fluid left in each cup revealed that each product had absorbed exactly one ounce of water, and the initial results were likely due to poor Sharpie-ing.
The Verdict: It's a draw!
Test #3: Leakage Test - Intended to determine each product's leak resistance. This is the OTHER facet of tampon performance as determined by Playtex/Tampax/et al, the implication always being that the competitor's product leaks like the bastard child of Karl Rove and a New Orleans levee.

This analysis took the most time to perform. This was primarily due to the lack of a suitable test environment. As Thumbscrews Labs' resident Research Vagina had dismounted from her monthly cotton pony ride less than a week before, we were forced to look for a substitute:

Plastic vagina from local adult product emporium:

Pros: realistic; helps support the valuable cultural contributions of Sindee Coxx.
Cons: expensive; had no childcare help on day of study, could not shake horrifying mental image of J.Q. crawling frantically towards a nudie booth while clutching the cord of a Hitachi Magic Wand in one pudgy fist.

Piece of PVC Pipe:

Pros: cheap (already in own garage... huh, no wonder husband spends so much time out there); roughly accurate diameter.
Cons: not terribly realistic; would need to enlist help of husband in trimming pipe down to size. Husband's first impression of T.A.M.P.: "What the FUCK?" Husband's second impression of T.A.M.P: "What the FUCKING FUCK?" Moving right along...

Chicken cutlets, sewn with butcher's twine into roughly vagi-form cylinders:

Pros: relatively cheap, good consistency, briefly fulfills my medical leanings (albeit in an creepy, Dr. Moreau-ish manner).
Cons: wasteful (yeah, I'm gonna eat tampon chicken. How about a nice side of Toxic Shock-otash, too?); adds a new level of salmonella-bearing grossness to an already fairly disgusting enterprise.

Perforated bananas:

Pros: cheap, plentiful, erotically squishy.
Cons: less vaginal than phallic, easily destroyed by overzealous preparation.


We settled on unpeeled, sliced bananas, envaginated via a Zebra Rollerball pen (as this particular writing instrument has given me YEARS of satisfaction, I was more than happy to give it a little banana action in return). A tampon was inserted into each 'nanner, after which they were each threaded onto two bamboo skewers and suspended above a clean paper towel. In a salute to Proctor & Gamble, I whipped up a measuring cup full of blue water and proceeded to drizzle one dropperful of water on each tampon-stuffed banana segement at a time.


"But Jul," you're surely saying, "There are so many variables involved! What about the differences in size and consistency between the pieces of fruit? What about the positioning of the skewers in each piece?" To which I must reply: shut up. I made hoo-hoos out of bananas for you people! What more do you want?!
O.B.: Didn't leak water until a staggering FOUR droppers-full of blue water had been applied. This is DESPITE the fact that the O.B. banana split open along one side, thus increasing its chances for failure. Playtex: Began disgorging blue water before the first dropperful was even emptied. FOR SHAME, PLAYTEX!
The Verdict: You down with the O.B.? Yeah, you know me.
Test #4: Disintegration Test (aka "A New Twist on the Bloody Mary")
O.B.: Performed much more poorly than expected. I suppose it makes sense that it SHOULD disintegrate when exposed to sharp, rapidly whirring metal blades; otherwise the sewers would be filled with freakish half-alligator, half-tampon hybrid creatures. Which would make a good horror movie, actually... "More absorbent... AND MORE DEADLY!" Playtex: Same pulverization, different 'pon. I assure you that the blender WILL get a thorough scrub before our next round of daquiris.
The Verdict: the blender took SLIGHTLY longer to begin making terrifying mechanical groaning noises while pulverizing the O.B., but let's call it statistically insignificant and call THIS one a draw.
 
Test #5: Crush Resistance Test (aka "I WANNA BE... WAAAAAAAAAHHH! YOUR SLEDGEHAMMER!")
O.B.: Under the force of an instrument capable of demolishing an eight-inch slab of concrete, the O.B. held its own. It sustained only minor denting. Playtex: Also performed admirably. Who'da thunk? If I ever embark upon a second career in law enforcement, I may eschew a Kevlar vest in favor of a lovely tampon-based chemise.
The Verdict: Once again, a tie. I DID see a cute bunny scampering across the yard while I was whacking the O.B., but cannot in good conscience award additional points based on the unpredictable whimsy of nature.
Final Conclusion: this was an eye-opening experiment. Many of my preconceptions about the shoddiness of non-O.B. tampons (as well as the advisability of processing feminine protection products in a blender) were changed. However, thanks to its bravura performance in the Dissection and Leakage tests, the O.B. was objectively proven to be... dun dun DUN... THE CHAMPON! The Playtex, however, held its own. As long as both products are on the market, however, the Playtex will forever be the Jan Ullrich to the O.B.'s Lance Armstrong. When faced with a steep climb up the Pyrenees - or one of those days when your body is doing its own controlled-scale impersonation of an Ebola victim- which one would YOU want on your side?