Oh, I still exist, alright... take THAT, oblivion! As promised, here are my answers to
The 'Screw Interview.
1. You can travel back in time and visit yourself at [select all applicable] 10, 16, 22 and 30. What would you tell your various temporally-disjointed selves (any hokey "buy stock in Microsoft" replies will be taken out back and accused of antitrust violations)?
10 : you're not brilliant and misunderstood - you're a painfully awkward little girl who really needs to learn how to relate to her peers rather than dishing up a toxic combo platter of fear and disdain.
16 : see above. Also : You're two years younger than your fellow college freshmen. You have a 4.0 GPA. Don't do something stupid like drop out. Pierce your uvula, date the lead singer of a thrash-klezmer band, become a macrobiotic vegan and subsist on sustainably-harvested plankton... but pretty please, with sugar on top... don't drop out.
22 : see above. Also : on August 1st, at approximately 1:30 AM, remember to conceive your son. You'll be terrified at first, but he'll turn out to be a tremendous joy, a gorgeous, sweet, hilarious, revelatory baby, a live wire in footie pajamas. You might want to consider leaving your husband, too… one need not pour it over Wheaties to tell that THAT particular carton of milk has already begun to turn.
Assuming that my words wouldn’t be capable of altering my past selves’ respective courses of action? “You can (and will) experience (and endure) more than you ever thought possible.”2. Analogy Tyme: if your drug of choice was an item which could be purchased at Home Depot for under $150, which one would be be, and why?
(Ed. Note: there seemed to be some confusion over this one... I meant to pick your ACTUAL favorite drug, then analogize it to a Home Depot item, i.e. "A rototiller, because the dark, impenetrable ditches they produce are eerily similar to the ones gouged in your conscious mind by good ol' veterinary anesthetics").
Ahem.
A Roto-Zip, complete with 30 attachments ("drilling", "gouging", "impassioned shredding", "diamond-cutting", "piping gel-applying", "marital aid", etc). It's dirt cheap and useful in a myriad of situations. And its sleek, injection-molded carrying case makes the user appear WAY sexier than they otherwise would (okay, okay, that one may be a stretch).
3. You can reanimate and spend several hours (say, sharing some Batter-Dipped Choco-Cheesecake Nibblers at the local crap-on-the-walls chain restaurant) with one of the following individuals - which one would you choose, and why?
- A deceased relative of whom you were moderately (but not overwhelmingly) fond.
- A randomly-selected serial killer of moderate notoriety.
Serial killer all the way!
- My family has something of an obsession with serial killers. I have many fond memories of staying up late and watching true-crime shows with my mom... nothing says "togetherness" like a grainy photo of a drainage ditch and a narrator grimly intoning, "... unfortunately for Officer McCloskey, there were STILL MORE fragments of prostitute remaining to be found!"
- I'd be very curious to see which appetizers a serial killer would order... mega-fries (because they're slathered in ketchup)? Chicken wings (because consuming them entails gnawing flesh away from bone)? Riblets (because their preparation involves both harming an animal AND setting something on fire, two components of the Serial Killin' Trifecta [the third is "bed-wetting", but that doesn't go nearly as well with ranch dressing]).
4. Think of your most esoteric, potentially-humiliating sexual fantasy. Think of another, equally-odd (but completely fabricated) fantasy. Describe them both without identifying which is which.
A. I am sitting on the [bus/train/hovercraft], staring into space and wondering if there is some way to combine the deliciousness of mu shu pork with the convenience of Go-Gurt. Just as I’m thinking “Huh, is the name ‘Mu-Tube’ copyrighted?”, the deeply hot gentleman who has been sitting next to me casually shifts his coat onto my lap, slides his hand beneath it, up my leg and under my sensible little Anne Taylor skirt. I neither smack his hand away nor give any outward indication that something is amiss. After a singularly lurid commute, I get up, straighten my disheveled garments and depart without a word.
B. Due to an unfortunate travel mix-up, my trip to Huitzilopochtli Aztec Resort & Spa does not take place. Instead, I find myself stranded among the members of an isolated tropical village, the pervy proclivities of whom make bonobo monkeys look like Morrissey. I am warmly welcomed. Very warmly. The next few weeks are spent cavorting with villagers, handcrafted representations of the lustier tribal gods, sufficiently underripe plantains, etc. Eventually, the state department arrives and spirits me away via helicopter. A single tear trickles down my face as I watch my randy hosts fade into the distance. My state department liaison gives me a sympathetic look, takes my hand in his and says, “Hey… ever done it in an emergency rescue craft?”
5. What is the typical prison sentence for the most legally-questionable act you've ever committed?
Most likely a year or two... nothing terribly titillating and/or reprehensible. Carried a tiny packet containing Unnamed Controlled Substance in my wallet for a few weeks, during which I crossed state lines and visited federal property (not to mention "redefined freaking stupid"). I spent a number of years living with men, so I could've conceivably been co-implicated in a few pieces of boyfriendish stupidity (discharge of unlicensed firearms on private property, the ownership of certain pieces of highly questionable Adult Material, etc). Probably nothing I couldn't have cried my way out of in front of a sympathetic judge.6. Think of the worst physical pain you've ever experienced (childbirth, ping-pong ball-sized kidney stones, atomic wedgie). Think of the worst emotional pain (depression, divorce, disaster). Think of the person who is closest to you in the world (child, spouse, sibling). You must decide whether they will suffer a comparable degree of physical OR emotional pain. If you choose the former, you will be required to inflict it yourself. If you choose the latter, it will occur without any involvement on your part. Which do you choose?
Physical... definitely. The worst physical pain I've ever felt lasted for seven hours. When it was over, it was over (I ate a pulled pork sandwich, admired my new baby and nagged the nurse to please remove the godforsaken IV). The worst emotional pain lasted for months. Aspects of it still continue to float around my subconscious... phantom wasps, capable of stinging at any moment, sans motivation or provocation. And if J.Q.’s life is half as interesting as I hope it will be, odds are he’ll endure plenty of emotional anguish along the way.
7. You're granted the power to uncover the truth behind one very, very big secret of the modern age - who shot Kennedy? What the hell is the deal with celebrity Scientologists? You will not be permitted to share this knowledge with anyone, ever - it will be solely to satisfy your own curiosity. What do you choose to learn?
Vis a vis big secrets. a few years ago, a friend and I watched “Lost in Translation”. After it ended, I wanted to curl up into a small sphere of hominid and weep for the rest of my natural life, ideally while ethereal indie rock played in the background. My friend, however, was focused on more important matters. “But what did he SAY to her at the end?” he whined, “I really want to know! It’s not fair to leave us hanging like that!” He was unswayed by my repeated protestations of, “That wasn’t the POINT! And why aren’t you sobbing?” Finally, I came up with the perfect answer… wait for it… wait for it… “He told her what was in the briefcase in ‘Pulp Fiction’.”
If I could uncover one non-MacGuffin secret, though, it would have to be “What is the physiological basis for ESP?” I have no doubt that humans possess sensory capabilities not currently acknowledged or understood by medical science. However, I don’t think these abilities are bestowed upon us by mystical/crunchy-granola forces. I think there is a very real scientific basis for them. Our rods and cones enable us to view the world, our cochleae enable us to rock the hell out… but what allows us to see without seeing?
8. While purchasing some plantains at Tienda Mexicano, you find The Lord. You discover that he is a cruel, arbitrary Lord, as well as one who has read entirely too many "Choose Your Own Adventure" books. He takes you outside, sits you down on the hood of his El Camino, hands you a can of Jugo de Coco and informs you that you will never see any of your current loved ones again. They will continue to live their lives, just magically sans any awareness of your continued existence. By way of compensation, you'll be allowed to determine your own natural lifespan. You may elect to die instantly, live to 120 or any option in between. What do you choose? Why?
Assuming I didn’t lapse into hysterical grief at being forever separated from my child… I’d live to be 120. It wouldn’t be as though my loved ones had died - armed with the knowledge that they were living their lives as per usual, I’d do my damndest to survive and thrive. I’d try to embrace the opportunity to start anew, to begin accumulating new memories, new experiences, new relationships.
9. You are given the opportunity to sample human flesh. Your enjoyment of this unusual entree will not be the result of any amoral acts - the source of your Bruce Burger (Tim Tartare? Francois Filet?) will be an individual who has died of unrelated causes. Your consumption of said flesh will not be as a result of starvation, nor as a condition of some sick wager ("Take a chomp out of Lloyd's thigh and I'll give you season tickets to Six Flags Over Highly Unlikely Transactionville"). Yea or nay?
Yea all the way. It’s not something I actively WANT to ingest… but I have a very, very difficult time turning down the opportunity to try anything new and/or novel. My id could best be described as Andrew W.K. (warning! simulated gore!) crossed with Charles Bukowski crossed with Evel Knievel - all gleeful, drunken daredevilishness. And as far as good bar stories go, “… that time I engaged in cannibalism” beats almost everything else, save perhaps “… that time with the identical-triplet strippers in the stolen Popemobile.”
10. You are given a Memory Dustbuster. It looks like a regular Dustbuster, circa 1989. However, when held against the human skull, it has the ability to suck out specific memories. Like many small appliances, this one has gotten a bit finicky in its old age. It no longer removes single memories... for each one which is removed, an equal-but-opposite second memory is also vacuumed up. You can suck out a particularly awful recollection... however, you'll also lose a happy memory of comparable intensity, and you have no say in which one it happens to be.
Do you use this device? How many times?
Nope... no question on this one. I'm grateful for everything I've had a chance to experience... good to awful, incredibly strange to unexpectedly content.
11. The Enormous Glowing Sphere of Influence Equation: how many of the following events have occurred in your life for which you've felt personally responsible? By this, I mean that the event in question would definitely NOT have occurred were it not for one or more conscious decisions on your part. Do NOT include events which were confined strictly to your professional life - thus, lawyers/doctors/matchmakers/executioners/etc. should use their discretion on this one.
- Marriages (1... a number which may increase at some nebulous future point. You never know when Gerard Depardieu might face deportation and require some wacky hijink-laden assistance to remain in the good ol' US of A!)
- Divorces (1... can I get a "booyah!"?)
- Births/adoptions (1, a number which is very unlikely to increase. I love J.Q. more than life itself, and I love parenting him. "Parenting" and "further children", in concept? Not so much).
- Deaths (0... not even Death of a Salesman (too talky), Death By Chocolate (too gooey) or Death Cab For Cutie ("You Will Be Loved" too likely to make me burst into hysterical, exterior AND interior garment-rending tears. You've never ripped off your panties in abject sorrow? Well, lah dee dah for YOU!]).
- Involuntary commitments (mental institution/rehab/prison) (0... have had the opportunity to do so - took a pass each time. Just doing my part to contribute to entropy).
- Relocations of over 1,500 miles (0... two 800-mile jaunts, plus seven or eight local moves, genus "let us express our incredible dumbness NOT by muttering 'duh, duh' or running while clutching shish-kebab skewers, but by boxing up everything we own and hauling it up and down several flights of stairs in the blistering sun!").
- Ascension to a level of fame/renown/power sufficient to interest/impact more than 10,000 individuals. (1/0). That's "one OR zero", not a divide-by-zero error, the bane of my tech-supportin' existence. Microsoft Excel, while a fine spreadsheet application indeed, has the eerie ability to convince users that logical impossibilities are not only possible, but should've been possible FIVE MINUTES AGO WHEN THIS REPORT WAS DUE DAMN IT. If I never again utter the words, "Okay, so if you divide FIVE apples by ZERO apples, you get what? You can't? Yes, that's right, and neither can Excel!"... it will be too soon.Ahem... according to my trusty Sitemeter, Thumbscre.ws itself may count... but I'm wondering if the caveat "level of MILD interest, as a result of poop joke-telling prowess" should remove this one from contention).
- Change in income level of +/- 50% (1... my own. I started working at Indentured Servicorp Discount Tech Support when I was seventeen. As it turned out, they would make my life utterly miserable... however, they paid a bit more than the local Gefilte 'n Chips franchise, my OTHER employment option. After getting the job (but before getting a nice dose of soul-crushing), I bounced back home like a methamphetamine-crazed Tigger, yelling, "OH MY GOD, I CAN AFFORD NAME-BRAND RAMEN NOW!" The following eight years brought a marked improvement in my circumstances (and dinner selections).
12. An exercise in writing, randomness and self-reflection (when commenting/posting, only include item "C"):
A. In exactly 25 words, describe the thing you're proudest of.
B. In exactly 25 words, describe the thing you're most ashamed of.
C. Combine the odd-numbered words from A. with the even-numbered words from B.
I’ve is much fine and between but selfishness sense the humor which and on to and well not myself on others right survived of grown. 
